Analytical Ambivalence

JaydeVictoria

Embedded in my intricate mind; elusive, misconstrued.

I have always tried to understand it,

it is relentless, harrowing.

Every day it protrudes from that vast place

And manages to pilfer what self-respect, control and discipline I have left.

But even more terrifying is when it vanishes and I become me again;

despondent, dejected, desperate.

Only then do I desire the feeling of a feeling.

Any feeling;

for the feeling of desolation is one less than grief and sorrow.

But alas, when it emerges; enveloping and eclipsing my soul;

I feel a rush of apprehension.

For who knows what I am capable of in this perturbed state?

I am torn, trepidatious.

I long to recover and yet I long to suffer.

After all, my mind assures me I deserve it.

My trembling, fragile skin consolidates me in some ways

but in other ways it erodes any memory of the person I used to be.

Every thought, every feeling, every second; it consumes me.

Yet, when there is a brief flash of normality, of hope;

I ponder.

Do I want to be consumed, dominated; by something I can’t fully comprehend?

I am ambivalent; it has made me who I am yet someone I despise.

My thoughts contradict one another; I need a conception.

As I peer at my reflection, my mind racing;

I see the briefest glimmer of fulfilment;

I am extant!

However fleetingly, however indeterminate;

I am here.

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Comments +

Comments3

  • orchidee

    Cooeee! I'm here too! Erm, not that I do a fine analysis of it as you have. I'm just here - always. I hang around like a ......bad penny?! lol.

    • JaydeVictoria

      Haha. You're more than welcome to hang around here 🙂 ...x

    • Michael Edwards

      And long may you stay and continue to write more great poetry. Great write.

      • JaydeVictoria

        That means alot. Thank you very much.

      • EliDagger

        This means so much to me, I feel every line right to the core. You are an amazing writer, can't wait to see more! X

        • JaydeVictoria

          That's so lovely thank you! And likewise 🙂 X



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