Fate v. Cause

Years ago

in a distant land

called five miles from my house

I went to elementary school.

This school was ten minutes

away by car

and ten minutes walking

to the nearest drug dealer.

That drug dealer is still there.

Still my acquaintances and I,

I would never call them friends,

remained blissfully ignorant.

Through the years of

diversity

unity

and preaching about what

bullying can do to someone,

I was ostracised by my pears.

For my weight

anxiety

hair style

clothing

clothing that we couldn't afford like them.

I didn't grow up poor. 

I live lower middle class.

I grew up weak

in a situation where it was dangerous to do so.

So I became tough.

I became the bully,

The mean girl,

the leather jacket.

Nothing changed. 

My weight haunts me whenever I look

in the mirror.

I can't be beautiful because the first one

to tell me that I was punched me.

I will never be able to sing

even after years of choir and musicals

because my talent show audition made me cry.

I can't calm down because I'm too 

hyper. I can't be angry because what if it's a

downward spiral. I can't talk to

new people because I'm boring.

I can't do anything.