My New Escape

i want to start seeing a therapist again or just someone i can talk to about the amount of depression i do have along with the great amount of anxiety and anger.

i feel like my anger has gotten better but there are days i regret not talking to someone.

and i get anxiety about almost everything from personal things to educational.

i get random anxiety attacks about little things and i cant talk to anyone about them and i do still get depression but its not as major anymore its more minor.

i just cant do it anymore.

i cant do it everyday anymore.

being alone,

having no one to really talk to.

and i get to school and my friends are having problems with each other and i still put my things off to the side to help because i dont want to see them grow apart and because of today and my friends i cant talk to them..

they are too focused and distracted and thats fine but its a little hard to help when ive got my own shit happening.

right now im feeling a little numb..

i guess me trying to help my friends work things out is distracting my mind from my problems and i think thats good?

but i also need someone...

someone to physically talk to.

i dont know if i want a friend so i could let everything out and cry or if i want to get professional help and cry in front of a stranger...

nothing has gone right within the last 12 hours..

from frustration to anger and sadness from little things and accidentally making problems that were just a misunderstanding and mistakes.

i think i found my new escape.

a new get away.

my previous get away and escape was plattsburgh..

but now that i have a car and i drive...

my new escape and get away is..

my moms grave...

i visited her grave saturday day before mothers day and i cried but i liked going there alone to recoop and think.

its my new get away (unless its raining) 

ive only been to my moms grave 3 times within 4 years.

should i think about this some more?

about what help i need?

should i get professional help?

should i ask friends for help?

or should i go to my new get away?

if nothing comes up today then ill start going to my get away.

ill start going to my moms grave more often no matter what.

but today i just felt like staying home from school and taking a mental day alone.

the hard thing about my new get away..

its so emotional and i cant just get up in the middle of school and leave to escape.

i miss my mom and im glad that i now have the opportunity to visit her grave and im glad i discovered a new escape and just be alone...

but not alone at the same time...

her grave being my new escape feels perfect...

its what i feel like was missing.

i cant wait to just sit and talk to her. 

its like a step closer to reconnecting with her...

getting that "mother daughter time" but not your typical mother daughter time.

i cant describe it ive been trying to describe it for 20 minutes now buts its so deep into the heart i cant describe how i feel exactly.

people who visit there loved ones at a cemetary would know what im feeling especially because my mom died before the big things in my life happened.

i just wish i could hop in my car and just lay next to her and cry as if shes holding me and comforting me.

shes the one whos looking down on me and sees and knows everything thats happening and how im feeling and no one else does.

and i think thats why i feel so strongly about her grave being my new escape because its just me and her...