Cali Kittana

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago I was brought into this world

Not entirely into a loving family but here

I caused issues and depression right off the bat

A small child with the fault of saving a marriage

 

Nineteen years ago is when the abuse first started

At least from the stories I've been told it was

From being dropped to being thrown and screamed at

How could someone do such a thing to a small child

 

Eighteen years ago things didn't get any better nor worse

I was a bit behind in development, but to no concern

Every child grows up and learns at their own pace

I was just being raised incorrectly and too slow

 

Seventeen years ago was my first memory of life

I didn't know who or where I was

Supposedly I was in my own home

Something hasn't felt right ever since that day

 

Sixteen years ago I had started preschool

I was excited and ready to go, didn't fight at all

Somehow even as a small child, I knew I wanted out

I didn't make many friends, I didn't speak much

 

Fifteen years ago I still was not speaking very much

It caused concern for the teachers trying to urge me

However, my few friends would have a ball with me

Despite being rather quiet, we had a fun time

 

Fourteen years ago was when grade school first began

No more AM/PM courses and being gone half the day

The social cues were being learned and I spoke more

My excitement merely grew, being one of few to enjoy school

 

Thirteen years ago I started to go on vacations with a friend

We went to Vermont quite a few times a year

Her family took me along and we had a great time

We went biking, hiking, sightseeing, and camping

 

Twelve years ago things got really aggressive at home

I could sense that something was going to happen

However, I wasn't at home long enough to notice much

I practically lived at the house down the street

 

Eleven years ago was the divorce

My world seemed like it was falling apart

I never felt like it was my fault, why does anyone

Mostly it was betrayal and backstabbing

 

Ten years ago he lost visitation

In a sense I lost my father when that ruling hit

People trying to make me think he's the bad one

Yet he was just tired of fighting a battle he already lost

 

Nine years ago was the end of elementary school

Things were going quite shaky for me those days

I was learning betrayal from those I once considered close

I wasn't rich, I wasn't popular, I wasn't sporty, so they left

 

Eight years ago was when my world started to crack

I lost friends at a rapid pace, left with only a few

My anger problems grew yet no one would help me

I was merely a confused child trying to understand my life

 

Seven years ago things started to level out more

My depression got the best of me and I stopped going out

No more camping, no more sleepovers, none of it

I was getting isolated and bored, yet scared to admit it

 

Six years ago I got really sick with something unknown

I spent around a month in and out of hospitals

We never figured it out, but it went away

Swollen glands and exhaustion, medications and tests

 

Five years ago was the start of high school

They claimed they'd be the best four years of my life

My weight fluxuated and my body chemistry freaked out

Worse then better acne, abnormal cycles and depression

 

Four years ago I finally started to blossom

My weight started to slowly drop, face cleared up

I started making some real friends, gaining life experience

My grades rose alongside my happiness

 

Three years ago I was raped by an ex

I lost all my friends, gained Stockholm Syndrome

My mind was emptied and filled with anxiety

I stopped eating, drinking, showering

 

Two years ago I finally graduated

Even though it was on time, it was overdo

I felt like my whole world was coming to an end

My entire world and everything I knew was over

 

One year ago I lost my will to live

There wasn't much keeping me here

I stuffed depression and waited patiently

The wait for work and the fighting was too much

 

This year I'm not feeling much better

I've got friends, work, love, and hobbies

But my zest hasn't returned to me quite yet

I hope you come back to me some day, soon

 

Twenty years have come and gone

And yet I feel like there isn't much to say

I'm depressed, abused, stressed, and done

I'm building up the courage to take flight

 



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