Fen / An Unnamed Girl

I had a dream a couple nights ago

I met a girl on a flight away from here

An accidental seating error forced us next each other

Our awkward but heartfelt small talk helped us laugh together

For the first time in my life I felt

That familiar pumping in my chest

Coming from a heart lacking the many layers of scar tissue

Its source the many broken promises and unwanted advances of a person let in

Her name was Fen

She was about to enter her senior year

And was set on being an artist

The plane came down but our hearts didn't

As we departed we exchanged numbers

Our separate trips away from the city felt like one despite being with our families

And when we returned we took our own trip through the city hand in hand

There was fire all around us and obstacles in our way

But we kept walking knowing we'll just face them together some day

The following night was another dream far different from the other

I was on my block on a moonless winter night

The air was dry and cold and my heart was cracking and heavy

I walked down to the nearby liquor store

I picked up a bottle of water and was on my way

On the way back up 3rd Street I passed a girl

She was barely visible in the darkness

I turned my head away as I crossed her on the street and she turned to me

"I think I love you. Or in love with you. Or whatever the right words are."

My scarred, cracking bruised up heart pumped heavy in my chest.

I grabbed her by the hand and we began to walk in total silence

Knowing with every step home a part of her would leave.

By the time I reached the house there was no hand in mine

All that remained were the deserted ruins of a diseased and rotting heart

I cough blood onto the pavement

Bleeding out in front of my gate

I call out for help but the streets were empty

As I lay dying I laugh with the metallic taste of blood in my mouth

It's not wonderful to die

It's never wonderful to die