I laugh hysterically, roll on my bed, it’s oh three. 

What is in my head, my life is great, so why do I feel such misery?!

I sit up on my bed, chuckle again, shake my head and go check the pantry. 

I don’t know what gives; I don’t believe in regret because it does not change the past,

Yet I feel overwhelmed by regret tonight, chest is heavy, head rings, how much longer is this going to last?

I look back on the long, dark shadow of pain, broken  promises and failures I’ve managed to cast.

I can’t stop laughing and smiling tonight thinking about all the times I dropped the ball;

A million times I messed up when one small choice lost it all.

As many times victory was at my fingertips only to be let go by one small call.

I know this crap is not worth thinking about, it isn’t going to make any difference.

And I know it isn’t stuff I have to thanks to God’s deliverance, 

But there sure is not a whole lot to brag about in my innocence. 


I pull my hair, punch a hole through my wall.

God may have created me with purpose, but ‘till I find it, there’s none to life at all.

And the worst of it, if I thought I was bad then, I don’t know how to stop my fall.



  • orchidee

    I don't see us as being good in ourselves, but through Christ we are made righteous.
    Do you mean moments, or times, of self-hatred here?

    • JWKP98

      Read my posted comment? These feelings went away a couple years ago. I had moments of self hatred, but this is more about me feeling I was becoming someone I really did not want to be. I felt certain things were not wrong even though I knew they were. And I did a lot of bad things because of it. I felt I was continuing on a bad path because I did not FEEL it was wrong, but I KNEW it was all at the same time. Since then, I've recovered my convictions, strength and faith, but for quite some time I was doing a lot of bad things and being someone I did not want to be. Or even like. But this went away years ago. I wrote this poem during that time, though.

      • orchidee

        I see - thanks JW.

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