old wounds

i still don’t know

if i have been able to properly

express the sheer terror


of being seven years old

and realizing i liked girls

but that i


was not a girl


words like homosexual

and transgender

did not exist to me

and were adamantly not

taught about in schools


this lack of knowledge

not knowing that i could

be anything beyond that

six letter word on

my birth certificate


the only conclusion

i was able to come to

as a scared child

was that i must 

have been a 



there was something wrong

with me and within me

feeling my guts twist

every time i was called

a girl and not knowing why

it hurt so bad


and now

as a young man

i am able to find words that 

downplay this nine years

of confusion and turmoil

shaping that pain into

something that is palatable


i do not have to do this

nor should i be expected to


but it is easier than saying

i was hellbent on destroying

the body i had because it

was not what it was supposed to be


it is easier than saying

i was willing to die

as a girl


if that meant the pain would stop


  • Christina8

    This is a heartwrenching write but very well done! I hope you have found the peace you so richly deserve.---Christina

    • queer-with-a-pen

      Thank you so much for the kind words! I have very much found peace in my body and gender 😊

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