People think that Liverpool is a somewhat interesting city
Famed for the vibrant sense of humour of its inhabitants
(on those occasions when you can understand them, that is),
And for its celebrated public buildings like St George's Hall
Where you can hear a nice symphony concert by the city's orchestra,
The Royal Liverpool Philharmonic (who are quite good really
especially when they play high-class things like Carl Davis film scores
and Paul McCartney's "Working Classical" rip-off pastiches).
And of course there are the bloody Beatles whose baleful influence
Permeates everywhere - why the local airport has even been renamed
The John Lennon Airport, which affords air traffic controllers
Throughout the Western World a good laugh at the city's expense.
Liverpudlians are famous for their self-pity - they think that everyone
Is against them and that life is really unfair just for them
(and in this respect they are indeed most percipient);
And the fat Liverpool girls are famous for getting totally rat-arsed,
Dancing around their handbags on the bars of city centre pubs,
Their pallid naked legs exposed under tiny white faux-leather skirts,
And sleeping with anyone who offers them a free pint of beer.
But there is a darker and more evil side to this vibrant city of culture
(and that is not a joke, it really was appointed just that, what a joke,
obviously the judges never saw the inside of the lift at the Adelphi Hotel,
awash with vomit after a local football match has taken its toll).
O woe is me, O woe indeed, how the memories come flooding back:
I can barely bring myself to recall the terrible night my nephew Derek
Met his horrific doom as the result of an innocent misunderstanding.
Young Derek and I were in the changing room of the swimming pool
At the municipal arts/leisure centre and bingo hall at closing time,
Trying not to breathe too deeply, thus hoping to avoid inhaling
The ghastly odours of the users' socks seeping from battered lockers,
When he accidentally brushed against a fellow patron of the facilities.
This hideous and brutish creature drew himself up to his full height
(which meant his arms swung clear of the filthy tiled floor for once)
And accused Derek of being a bumboy (viz. trying to feel up his hairy arse).
Immediately, poor Derek was surrounded by a gang of Everton fans
Who had been having a pissing competition in the kiddies' play area;
Those reprobates tore his helpless body to shreds, hurling the bits into the Jacuzzi
(thereby blocking the ventilation ducts and causing it to malfunction)
While (rather wisely) I ran away as fast as my manly legs could carry me.
Dear God, I shall avoid any further visits to the mighty metropolis
Situated on the noisome Mersey (and that goes for Birkenhead
and Wallasey whilst we are on the subject as they're dumps too).
-
Author:
Barry Hodges (
Offline) - Published: January 30th, 2020 19:42
- Category: Humor
- Views: 13
Offline)
Comments2
GOOD MORNING BARRY ~ Take care we know where you live !
As a born (1983) and bred SCOUCER I have failed to recognise MY LIVERPOOL from your description ! However you did describe your Poem as a JOKE (which it was !) and us SCOUCERS do have the best Ken Dodd Sense of Humour in the World ~ AMEN
In My LIVERPOOL Home ~ In MY Liverpool Home
We speak with an accent ~ exceedingly Rare
Walk under a Statue ~ exceedingly Bare
If yer wanna CATHEDRAL ~ weve got ONE to SPARE
In My LIVERPOOL HOME !
I was born in LIVERPOOL ~ down by the Docks
Me religion was Cath*lick ~ occupation ard knocks
At nicken an picken ~ we was adept
Under old overcoats each night we slept !
Way back in the 40's ~ The whole World went mad
The Jerries threw at us ~ All that they ad
Through the dust an the smoke ~ we heard the ALL CLEAR
Thank GOD said me Granddad ~ The PIER EDS still ere !
The GREEN an the ORANGE ~ ave battled fer years
Theyve give us some laffs & theyve give us some tears
But scoucers they dont want Heavens Rewards
They just wanna green card ter get inta FORDS !
If its FOOTBALL yer wantin ~ Our Team is the TOP
Its L I V E R P O O L theyre screamin down at the KOP
And then of course ~ Theres E V E R T O N too
We all have to choose ~ the RED or the BLUE !
The BEATLES are acknowled as the best Pop Group by far
With John - Paul an George an on skins RINGO STARR !
An if its Ladies yer wantin no style do we lack
The CAVERN CLOAKS CHECK GIRL ~ we call CILLA BLACK !
LIVERPOOL has always been a CITY of great Culture and the First BLUES ~ JAZZ & COUNTRY & WESTERN Clubs in the UK ~ we all in Liverpool because they came over on the Boat. Liverpool has always been regarded as the 51st State of America. Especially after the Establishment of the Burtonwood Flying Fortress Airbase in WW2. We dont mind Poeple taking the pee out of us because we know we are (and always will be !) the best City in the World ! Im an Ambassador for Northern Culture in Essex and I can vouch from experience that Liverpool Judies are ten times prettier than Essex Girls and ten time cheaper and sexier ! I rest my case !
Blessings to You & Yours
Yours BRIAN ~ Proud to be a Scoucer & an EVERTONIAN !
Thank you for your detailed comment and capital-letter-littered paean of praise to Liverpool. I will always remember overhearing a romantic conversation in a Liverpool Chinese restaurant when a lovestruck young Scouser came in for a drunken nosh-up with his scantily-clad yound girlfriend. They ordered their food and the young Scouser gallantly ordered a bottle of champagne. Halfway through the meal, a flower-seller came in and tried to sell a rose to the young lady. The gallant lad said: "Fook off, Oi've already bought 'er soom fookin' champoine!"
Hello Barry,
A wonderful write and perspective on Liverpool.
I have never been but I will go there one day no doubt.
Keep writing
FineB
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