Here's Something To Catch You Guys Up...

first things first.. hi im sorry i havent posted in a while and within this time i have not posted i also have not sat down and took the time to write anything with the intentions of it being a piece of writing of mine i threw this together because with school and work being crazy and being exhausted and depressed and not having a social life and not living at home anymore and living with my grandma its been crazy and i hate how i have not written anything since june i hate how i have no hobbies anymore like i dont take the time to sit down and do the things i used to enjoy but im going to try to get back into it as much as i can, thank you now lets get started.

whenever you talk to someone you always ask, "how are you?" and they always respond with "good, you?" 

right?

does anyone just do it out of habit and or instinct to say "good" so you dont have to go into detail and explain everything thats happened or happening thats not making you "good"?

and then when you say "good, how about you?" you realize to yourself "wait im not good, im not ok, i need help, someone help me, someone care about me please?"

great im glad im not the only one because i do it all the time and finally one day i just got sick of keeping it all in, sick of people thinking im ok when im not and so thats what i did...

i let it all out on snapchat on my friends only private story and it went something like this...

ima be brutally honest and expose myself...

anxiety.

depression.

my past. hurt and used for sex. used to cut. never had alot of friends and now i barely have any.

low self esteem.

low self confidence.

was always yelled at for how i felt. yelled at for cutting. yelled at for writing dark poems about suicide.

still probably need professional help because i was diagnosed with depression when i was 14.

antisocial.

clingy but yet distant because of my past.

fall to fast.

took a year to work on myself. my communication skills. i have a whole new mindset.

i dont have a life. im lonely. lost more than half of my friends.

rather im anorexic or i binge eat.

ive been struggling with keeping everything inside for to long and not having anyone to talk to about it to.

(i thought i was done there but i felt like sharing more...)

continued...

body image issues.

my mom died almost 5 years ago.

to be honest i was driving the other day and i wasnt in the right mindset and said "would it be the worst thing in the world if i drove into on coming traffic?"

no one is there for me as much as i was there for them.

was literally yelled at for wanting to kill myself this summer.

was i perfectly good up until this point? yea! will i be better when i wake up tomorrow? probably but not guaranteed.

im usually an open book but ive had a secret for the last year and a half.

this isnt for attention... im just done hiding all of my shit.

i was always everyones supporter... maybe i just need one for myself right now.

i have rarely cried every once in a while for the last year and a half because of a toxic ex.

i may have to much affection but i can be numb.

ive lost 4 pounds in one day without eating.

two summers ago i told my dad i weighed 116 pounds and he said "thats way to much you need to be lower."

i have insomnia. some nights are worst than others. ive had it worse when i was little. one time i only had one hour of sleep per day for 5 days.

everyday of senior year i would walk home a block and had anxiety my phone was going to be taken away for no reason or have anxiety i was going to get yelled at for having a messy room.

literally last night i would drink a few swigs of soda to feel full so i wouldnt eat.

does it feel good to let all of this out? hell yea it does! 

ive been fighting for so long. all alone.

no one has seen my relapses.

this is to much for one person to hold in for the last 6 years. and i only have plenty more.

love that i verbalized how i want a relationship and not just a fuck cuz i aint with that shit and dudes still trying to shoot there shot. great to know im only good for sex.

i was damaged, broken, and scarred from the start. 6 years later i still am. i took a year and a half to myself. to work on myself. a break from being used and thrown away like nothing, cheated on and never cared about. finally opened up and shit went down into dust. took another 6 months to open up again. shit went down again. 

i took a full year to myself because i was threatened to be broken up with if i didnt have sex with my ex. and its so fucking lovely that im still being hit up for sex and nudes when no one understands im still broken... but fucking mint.

i get heartbroken for having a heart but i hurt others when i dont have a heart.

maybe if i had trusted my gut about the first red flag of him kissing another girl the day before our first date then maybe i wouldnt have gotten hurt.

i swear the next time i get hit up for sex or nudes im checking myself into a fucking mental hospital.

-end rant-

i went through a short but hard, painful, torturing rough time. i was basically fucked and chucked. i dont know how much this stupid boy meant what he said about not just wanting me for sex. he claims it wasnt a hit it and quit it but thats what it felt like... it literally only last a week.