S.M The Greatest Catastrophe 1/29/20

It took the death of my most loyal friend for me to realize who my friends really were

Every day I’m angry with myself for not being there for him

I want him to know that I love him because I never said it enough when he was here

I want him to reassure me and take away my biggest fear

Everyday I wonder what would of happened if I just took two seconds to answer my fucking phone

It kills every part of me to know he thought he was alone

When I want to talk to him I talk to him out loud, that’s all I can really do

He took everything I trusted him with to the grave

The people tell me it wasn’t my fault

They say forgiveness takes time, healing takes time and now that time is mine.

I’m not looking for justification people I just miss my fucking friend

I left him hanging at his most bitter end

I saw his dead body deflated by decay

I struggled to walk and put a flower on his casket because I knew that meant we were sending him away

We still had plans that were being made but he took it away the the sharpest of blades

Ear to ear they told me 

A smile on his face they told me 

This makes no fucking sense 

In his eyes this was not suicide 

I wonder if he knows that in this life, he died.

For his birthday we went to the beach, I promised him ice cream as his special treat

Instead we ate a tropical feast, I was promised another visit, ice cream on me

I got caught up with work, he said some words that hurt

Before I knew it he was dead, this never fucking leaves my head

I easily got frustrated because he depended on others for his happiness

He said with me he felt his happiest

I saw the change in him slowly take place over the years

I’m so sorry my friend, everyday I find myself shedding more and more tears

There were some points where he was unrecognizable but that didn’t change the loyalty we had for one another

Simeon Malcom,

One of my greatest loss