Facsimile of the human psyche unraveled
Reveals a paper trail of the life I've travelled
Incriminating evidence of my vital force now found
Like the endless paper on the fax, I fall without sound
Facsimile of the virtual spirit is revealed
Unravels a path of the life I thought concealed
Accusing proof of my stained and broken soul
Like the paper in the bin, I fail the quality control
-
Author:
DianeKey6 (
Offline) - Published: July 17th, 2020 04:02
- Comment from author about the poem: working on rhyming so any advice would be accepted. Diane
- Category: Reflection
- Views: 39
Offline)
Comments5
I found this a brave and engaging window into the vulnerabilities we all carry around
although, your idea/voice has more potential I think,
if you feel this work is complete then please, ignore my suggestions
however, if you want to squeeze a little more out of the solid foundations you've already built
may I humbly suggest you try writing in a loose sonnet form (maybe a heroic sonnet), since you have utilised end-rhyme so well already,
then just to add a bit more spice have a contradictory few lines juxtaposing a more hopeful tone to your voice
LB Mek - i am so pleased to have received this comment from you. I do not think my work is complete so i cant ignore your wonderful suggestions at all. i need to look up the meanings of loose sonets and heroic sonnets. Youve given me much to consider and i cant wait to make some changes using your helpful ideas. thank you so much you have brightened up my day so much. much love to you, Diane
You could try shuffling words around in sentences, to make them rhyme, if you have difficult final words, e.g. "ing" and "ed" endings seem quite easy to rhyme.
We may not speak in actual conversation as we speak in poetry, but that's partly why it is poetry I suppose!
Nothing gets a 'fail' mark in this poem! 🙂
Thank you Orchidee
I remember the fax machine. Great metaphor. This is the great to read with rhyme and substance.
Thank you TWENTY3
L.B.Mek has made some sound suggestions but your rhyming scheme has worked very well.
Your words are showing yourself and this is where poetry can be strong whether it rhymes or not.
Do not stop writing it is great to see your words.
Andy
Thank you Goldfinch
Only advice I'd give on rhyme
Is
Keep at it
Personally
I think it adds something
Enjoyed the read
Thank you peto
To be able to comment and rate this poem, you must be registered. Register here or if you are already registered, login here.