Quality Control: FAIL

DianeKey6

Facsimile of the human psyche unraveled

Reveals a paper trail of the life I've travelled

Incriminating evidence of my vital force now found

Like the endless paper on the fax, I fall without sound

 

Facsimile of the virtual spirit is revealed

Unravels a path of the life I thought concealed

Accusing proof of my stained and broken soul

Like the paper in the bin, I fail the quality control

  • Author: DianeKey6 (Offline Offline)
  • Published: July 17th, 2020 04:02
  • Comment from author about the poem: working on rhyming so any advice would be accepted. Diane
  • Category: Reflection
  • Views: 39
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Comments5

  • L. B. Mek

    I found this a brave and engaging window into the vulnerabilities we all carry around
    although, your idea/voice has more potential I think,
    if you feel this work is complete then please, ignore my suggestions

    however, if you want to squeeze a little more out of the solid foundations you've already built
    may I humbly suggest you try writing in a loose sonnet form (maybe a heroic sonnet), since you have utilised end-rhyme so well already,
    then just to add a bit more spice have a contradictory few lines juxtaposing a more hopeful tone to your voice

    • DianeKey6

      LB Mek - i am so pleased to have received this comment from you. I do not think my work is complete so i cant ignore your wonderful suggestions at all. i need to look up the meanings of loose sonets and heroic sonnets. Youve given me much to consider and i cant wait to make some changes using your helpful ideas. thank you so much you have brightened up my day so much. much love to you, Diane

    • orchidee

      You could try shuffling words around in sentences, to make them rhyme, if you have difficult final words, e.g. "ing" and "ed" endings seem quite easy to rhyme.
      We may not speak in actual conversation as we speak in poetry, but that's partly why it is poetry I suppose!
      Nothing gets a 'fail' mark in this poem! 🙂

      • DianeKey6

        Thank you Orchidee

      • TWENTY3

        I remember the fax machine. Great metaphor. This is the great to read with rhyme and substance.

        • DianeKey6

          Thank you TWENTY3

        • Goldfinch60

          L.B.Mek has made some sound suggestions but your rhyming scheme has worked very well.
          Your words are showing yourself and this is where poetry can be strong whether it rhymes or not.

          Do not stop writing it is great to see your words.

          Andy

          • DianeKey6

            Thank you Goldfinch

          • peto

            Only advice I'd give on rhyme
            Is
            Keep at it
            Personally
            I think it adds something
            Enjoyed the read

            • DianeKey6

              Thank you peto



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