I can’t be first

I can’t be first

8-11-20

I’ve known for months now

I began to feel it from the moment I breathed you in

I have to catch myself when we say goodbye or good night

Because it could so easily fall off my tongue

But this is a first that I can’t do.

I need to know.

I need you to say it.

I’ve been so broken before this and I’m so scared to feel that way again

So helpless.

So out of control.

So naked.

I know if I say it first I will be back in that place

I feel it so heavily, every night it consumes my head, it consumes my chest

I sometimes think that you do

I feel it in how you hold me or how you assure me

But I need to hear you say it

I need to know for sure

You have to understand

He broke something in me.

The willingness to be completely vulnerable. The bravery to admit it.

He used it as a weapon.

He used it to break me down and build me into what he wanted

I’m afraid if I say it first that all of it will come crashing down

that it will hit me and take the breathe out of me

that a barrier will break and I won’t be able to stop everything from flooding out

things like this are supposed to be light and easy

not for me.

for me this is terrifying.

These words mean something more

They mean that you will always be a part of me, a part of my story

It means a part of me will always be with you

I don’t know how many parts I have left to lose

Because if I say it... and you hear it...

If I say it, and realize...

That you can’t say it...

I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep the parts that I do have together

you’re not the center of my world or the source of my happiness

But you came into my life at a time where I finally felt whole again. A time where I finally felt like I could do this again. A time where I felt happy and free

so did he.

And here I am, feeling this way and being so sure of it
but I’m not sure if you are

And I don’t know what to do, all I can do is tell you without telling you...

I just know I can’t be first

because last time I was first, I was last

And I can’t afford to be last again