Me or the Meds?

5,200 milligrams of mind-altering medication, half at a time

To keep the electrical signals in my brain in line

But is it worth not having the seizures as I begin to wonder whether or not everything and anything I feel

Is just caused by, a product of, the drugs or if it’s actually me and real

Without the meds, would I incessantly tease and mock my friends, never pass up an opportunity to do so?

Would I feel this anger and irritability that’s driven me to turn friends into foe?

Would I limp or squirm in my bed from time to time when I have a flare up of leg pain?

Would I boil so hot I’d go into the backroom and punch cardboard boxes to avoid a blowup, keep me sane?

What differences would there be in what I say in day to day talks? 

Would I still within seconds go from a sharp, clear, sophisticated mind to periods of seeming like I’m from the boondocks? 

Would I still be happy for five minutes, angry the next and then back to a smile on my face?

Would I fight to down the whole bottle one day and the next bear a grin with my chin up as pride radiated from my fast, long pace?

Would I hate you run through my mind unprovoked as I smiled at and listened to her

As my thoughts became more disorganized and my mind descended into a blur?

Would I have defeated depression by now, or do the drugs keep it alive?

Would I have beaten away my anxiety by now, or on the drugs does it thrive?

Would I shake and tremble for half an hour at work on the verge of tears? 

Would it not bother me to hear a voice I can’t see or would I still have these fears?

Worse than the depression, anger, anxiety and phobias is as follows

I don’t know if it’s who I am or the drugs that bring into existence the hollows,

That I have no way to definitively be sure, there’s no way to know if anything I think or feel

Is just caused by the drugs or if it’s me, or if it’s real