I cried the day you lied,
I wished that day you’d die.
Repeated you cheated
I broke down without my pride.
You remember when we met,
You’ll stay with me, never forget.
I looked back when we use to smile
I took your hand and held you for a while.
Don’t say you love me,
Don’t miss me
Don’t cry
Just go and make another lie.
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Author:
SimonW1997 (
Offline) - Published: November 27th, 2020 14:01
- Comment from author about the poem: This poem I wrote is not anything personal about me, I'm a beginner in poetry and like to progress further. I'm open to any comments which can help me.
- Category: Sad
- Views: 49
Offline)
Comments3
Good Evening SIMON ~ Brian here welcome to MPS. It is a proactive site and operates by reading & commenting on each others poetry. Please visit our site ~ Thanks.
A POEM should have a SUBJECT (reflected in the TITLE) which yours does. It should also have a STRUCTURE which makes it easier to Read & Recite. The STRUCTURE consists of RHYME & RHYTHM (syllables) these should be conistent in each verse of the Poem ! Each of your verses are commendable but the each have a different structure ! Lets start with Verse 2. which is *two rhyming couplets* Pattern aa bb and rhyming pattern 7 8 8 10 syllables. I have altered that 8 8 8 10 to make it read & recite better !
You do remember when we met (8)
You'll stay wih me. never forget (8)
I look back, when we used to smile (8)
I took you hand and held it for a while (10)
Now lets try & put Verse 1. into the same Rhyme & Rhythm (syllabus) pattern as V 2. ~ OK !
I cried on the day that you lied (8)
I wished on that day, you had died (8)
Repeatedly, cheated inside (8)
So I broke down, divested of my pride (10)
If you recite (out loud) the two verses together (in order) you will see how they do scan and sound like real poem ! Angela & I are performance Poets and do *Poetry Readings* for Seniors. In our opinion POETRY does not have to RHYME but it should always SCAN ~ Have RHYTHM ~ OK
I have revamped Verse 3. But I would like you to have go putting it into *Two Rhyming Couplets* with an 8 8 8 10 syllable ~ *Rhythm Pattern* Post me yours & i*ll post you mine OK !
Beat Wishes ~ Brian & Angela ! !
Poetry is from within you and does not follow any rules!
Andy
BRIAN HERE ~ Good Sabbath Uncle ANDY ! Thanks for your very apposite comment ! I know you are a practicioner and advocate of *Modern Free Verse* and you Poems are excellent examples of the genre ! However I consider that before one can be ABSTRACT (and its the same with Panting & Music) one should begin wih the basic Clasical Techniques ! In the case of Poetry these include Rhyme & Rhythm especially for Oral & Performance Poetry. In my reply to Simon ~ He did request advice ~ I was talking about *A Poem in Particular* NOT Poetry in General. My prognosis was *If the sentiments in this Poem* were packaged into a more classical & consistent form it would be a *Neater Poem* (not a *Better Poem*) for Presentation & Recitation ~ OK. Thanks again for your comment !
Blessings & Peace to You & Yours
Love A & B & Smokey Car ! ! !
Forget people trying to teach you rules. Rules will only restrict your ability to express yourself. Compare the posts from the so called rule followers to those who write in a more 'free style' and form your own opinion.
Never lose sight of this.... what you write is you. You are unique. You are on the way to being as good as you can be and don't need holding back. You have to potential to be the worlds greatest.
Join in and comment on other peoples posts, it will encourage them to do the same for you.
Welcome.
Very good emotive write Simon.
What dusk arising has said is very true, your poetry within you is yours and if you try to follow the rules that some lay out you may lose the feelings that you want to write on the page.
Welcome to MPS.
Andy
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