journey

i’d like to take you,

journey thru memories-

places i know exist

that you’ve never seen-

that old school yard

where i was the caterpillar queen

and galloped around on pretty, pretend

     pegasus’ and unicorns,

where i learned to fly without wings of my

     own.

i’d sit you on that tire swing

while i twirled in the middle,

teach you the chant,

     “faster, faster, we need another master”

then switch.

i’d bring you home,

let you help me fill my little yellow

     wheelbarrow

with carolina pine cones

and rake leaves when autumn comes.

i’d move you to the swamp land,

show you how to test for alligators

and how to stack the chair on top of the box

     on the bench,

hook your foot in the loop

and swing out over the bayou.

i’d show you how long the move to

     california would take,

show you my room where i’d sneak out

     the window

and the pool with the fake jaws in it.

i’d show you the slide where i broke my nose,

the cul-de-sac where i first had my heart

       broken in two,

but also had coke wars 1,2,3 and 4.

i’d show you how we would jump off the roof

      like superheroes

or go explore the neighbors backyard,

the magical fruits we had never heard of

and climbing up those towers to see the

     world.

i’d take you to the beach

where i lost myself.

i love the water, but that city stole me,

i ain’t ever been the same

as that day we ditched school,

did some lines

and talked about every and i mean

     everything.

that was the same house where my life

      became a battlefield

only two years before,

put fear i hadn’t known into my life.

also the same house where i fell in love

      with a woman,

same one i deemed an enemy prior.

and it was where i met my best friend

while the other one eventually burned it

     to the ground.

it was the first time i’d live without my

      mother,

the first time i would go off on my own

and i don’t know what i was doing

so i got high and went to college.

it’s when my dad came back into my life,

sent me to a rehabilitation facility

and later a mental hospital,

fucking my life up further.

it’s the first time i wasn’t a student when i

     should have been,

it’s where i lost my footing

and i’ve never been able to get it back

       again.

it’s the time the darkness consumed me,

i had real doubt about my ability

     and i let that doubt drown me.

i still can’t figure out what i’m really good at.

what is my purpose?

do i have the talent to do it?

i want to show you my broken

and have you soothe it,

take me in your arms

and prove it.

i’m preparing to jump in,

i just need a life line

in case i don’t make it to the other side.