A deed lower than low

Oh father i belive in no god
Yet come to confess
The fact that my heart is far from the purest
And i don't expect you to understand
When i say that all my lies are honest

I walk in a twisted places 
Where light is a stranger 
Those long intricate mazes
Where each turn poses a danger

You can't see anyone
But you can feel that you are not alone
All that you want is to run
But your legs feel like they are not your own

Nothing happy about the end of this story 
Shivers run down my crooked spine
Goosebumps engulf my body
The dark is hungry and ready to dine

It has a special taste 
For men like me
A man who tends to waste diamonds
One - two - three

Each was given to me freely
And each time i  threw it away
How can i be so greedy
Yet never whisper: please just stay?

Have you ever met a person
Who seemed to be made just for you
And yet you find a reason 
To send them to look for a another view
For something different - less true

Because that's exactly what i did 
I had a shot on happines and let it slip 
Even worse - i made it so by design 
Willingly gave up a chance to call her mine

But that is not the worst part 
That would still be within the boundaries of a fair play
But soon after i did start 
Painting her world with different shades of grey

I treated her worse than poorly 
Acted like an infant full of rage
To her messeges i replyed loosely
And barely read what she put on a page

At later stage i wrote to her
That i no longer value her opinion 
And while aware of making an error
I did cast her out of my dominion

And then - when being free turned to being lonely 
I started to miss her being around 
And came asking if only 
She could forgive me for bringing her down

  
 
And that is what feeds the darkness
Inside those labyrinths of a mind hardly sane 
To know that for the latest bit of my sadness 
I have only myself to blame

Today i would tell her
That if one day should come her time of need
All she has to do is remember my name
And i'll be there quicker than a cut can bleed

But all those words would come
Two minutes too late
I know how easily 
Can unheard love turn to hate 

I know my mistake
And i offered an apology
Which is essentially:
"I stabbed you in the back 
And now i am saying sorry"

What a useless words 
What a waste of breath 
No good are apologies 
When you deserve slow and painful death

I don't know  if it's gonna be  tommorow 
Or any other day
Or if it's gonna be quick or slow
But there's gonna be plenty of pain
Which i will face alone

A fate rightfully earned 
Also a punishment not harsh enough 
The bridge should already be burned
Scum like me deserves it rough

But for unclear reason and despite all the caused sadness 
She still acts friendly  
Probably thanks to her kindness
Even though if you ask her she'll deny to have any

So at the end of the day - i'am in her debt
And don't worry - she forgave but did not forget
This poem unlike my stupidity  found it's end 
And she'll never have to regret meeting me ever again