MY KIDS & ME...

What can I do to make things right...?

How can I help, believe me I wanna try...

I understand forgiveness doesn't come over night...

I know saying sorry doesn't help your hurting fight...

It's the first step only I can think of to make to start putting wrong right...

I can't take back or change the damage I've done...

All I ever wanted was to a mum...

My arrogance, my selfiness, my addiction is what lost the fight...

You have no idea the wrongs I've done you my babies to everyone keeps me up at night... If I had one wish, I would get it right, choose you & fight the fight...

Face the denial & the demon in me in a new light...

Make you my little ones my one & only priority...

I never did get my priorities in place, shame on me for letting you down, not putting you first...

I'm a disgrace... This I've had to learn... its you, my kids that I now yearn..

I wasn't blind, I just didn't see that the twelve steps I should've done for you three & not just me...

It wasn't a blessing, it was a curse...

The monkey on my back told me I could handle it all, & still be the mum I wanted so much to be...

But I know now it doesn't work like that, there shouldn't be no monkey telling me that, there shouldn't be no monkey at all... 

In my denial I entertained it all, I thought I could keep you & keep me...

I didn't see what I needed to see that was you my babies standing there right in front of me...

I heard but I didn't listen to what was being said to me... 

I thought but didn't think of the consequences at all... 

I thought I was in control, I was foolish, lying to me, lying to you...

I'm sorry, so sorry you've gone though life without me, your mum standing beside you...

Please don't ever think or believe I didn't love you... 

It couldn't be further from the truth I love you with all my being...

My love just wasn't enough to conquer what should've come naturally, Me, my addiction was what I choose first, it was wrong of me this I now see...

The truth be told I'll never be the mum I wanted to be... 

I'll never be the mum you needed & wanted me to be...

By god I could & would try, but never fully trusted you see... 

I will always be the mum, your mum in recovery... I'm not making excuses, blaming anyone...

denial no longer has me under its thumb...

I hope one day a conversation like this will be...  & I can truly answer all the questions you may ask of me...