Let me introduce you to the fellas in the pub.

I'd like to introduce you to the blokes around the bar.

I think that they're all friends of mine, but they never say they are.

There's Tony in the corner, a gangsta in his day.

Disrespect his family he'll have ya blown away.

He really is a friendly bloke, tall tales he likes to tell.

He gets six pints of lager in just before the bell.

He likes to wear his City shirt when Man U are on  screen.

A quiet shy retiring chap who never makes a scene.

But don't talk of football rivalry when Tony's had a beer

The once football hooligan will suddenly appear.

There's "Rich" the  tax inspector he's not the man to trust

Politely change the subject if money is discussed.

Don't mention gifts or earnings that have not been declared.

Or what you keep under the bed or stored beneath the stairs.

There's Phil the thrifty drinker who never gets a round.

The last time that he took his turn, there were  20 shillings to  the pound.

He claims to be quite generous and once he spent a quid.

A blue plaque stands in the pub where Phillip claims he did.

There's Paul the snazzy dresser who stands out in a crowd.

They have to turn the jukebox up, his shirts are rather loud.

An ale aficionado, a gentleman of taste.

Don't try to match him pint for pint, you ll soon be off your face !

The other Phil will join us for an evening full of joy.

He's followed Bury football club since he was a boy.

Phil remembers glory days, when he was just a lad

And years of football history  and the times that made him sad.

" Football's not how it used to be." You'll often hear him say.

As he stands against the bar and puts the ale away.

There's Daz the local builder, who likes to make a noise.

He drinks twelve pints of lager,when he's out with the boys.

Then down the road he likes to go Tu't Chinese take away.

" Give me all the chips you've got!" he often likes to say.

" And one of those fried ricey things." is often his request."

" And three pies and and some noodles that look like mi string vest."

" And stick a battered sausage in, while I'm in the queue."

"And a bag of those prawn crackers, oh go on make it two!"

" Oh and something for the misses," he would often cry.

"A small romantic gesture, a cheese and onion pie."

"I'll surprise her with it, as up the stairs I creep."

I'm sure she will be grateful although she's fast asleep."

There's  Dave the token Scotsman there's always one around.

In every pub you go in, in every single town.

He's always got a story for everyone to hear, but no one understands him when he's had a beer.

He talks of life in tenements, when he was a kid.

And local Glasgow characters, the things his father did.

There's nothing like your local, on a Friday night.

Great beer, great conversation, occasionally a fight.

And lots of lovely barmaids for you to impress.

" You're looking loverly tonight,"  you say " Where did you get that dress?"

" And get yourself a drink my dear." you tell her with a grin.

" Thank you very much," she says " i'll av a double gin."

" It might be that she fancies me!" you then begin to think.

"Coz she's took my tenner change and she's got herself a drink."

"She's giving off the signs and wiggling her .... hips."

But everybody else knows that you're going home with chips.

You tell her about your single life and  Lamborghini car.

And fail to see her boyfriend propping up the bar.

He looks just like a farmer's son. with arms like a Gorilla.

He could  be in the S A S, a methodical trained killer.

You're turning on the charm now, you're just a Gigilo.

You're mates there in the corner know, which way it's gonna go.

She's going home with "Samson," there surely is no doubt.

And if you make a move on her,  he'll simply knock you out.

Then in walks the Chinese guy with a bag of DVDs.

All the modern classics for a fiver, if you please.

The picture can be wonky the sound a little worn.

Something for the late night viewer, all of it cheap porn.

" Debbie does Bury." the most popular film by far.

You can even get your copy signed, Debbie works behind the bar.

A tasteful little story of lust and love and farces.

You 'll spot a lot of locals in it, if you recognize their arses.

I told my wife about the film and the orgy scene.

Where every neighbor except one,was taking part and keen.

She looked at me quite thoughtfully and then shook me to my boots.

When she said " It'll be that miserable cow, the blonde with ginger roots."

I hope that you've enjoyed my tale,of characters and beers.

I've only one more thing to say. God bless them all and cheers!"