Absence ♡

My friends say that they’re there for me

Except when I need them

Which is weird since I’m always a shoulder for them to cry on

But when it comes to me

I have no one to rely on 

I confide to my bestie about my feelings

Since life’s dealings have been messy

I sob to her, opening up

But she just calls me edgy

I haven’t eaten today

So I hope my waist is good enough 

My mind seems to think

That deprivation is self-love 

Depression and loneliness

Transgressed into an aesthetic

“Haha, I have no friends”

“I’m a sad girl who’s enigmatic”

Cursive quotes, pretty tears

Grunge-pastels, animated fears

I find it weird that pain’s become a trend

Because consistent unhappiness

Doesn’t feel appealing from my end

And definitely isn’t something I take pride in flexing

I find it easier just to pretend 

Sadness is glamorized 

Captured in a photogenic lens 

Became idolized and adored

Something cute to add to your Pinterest board

Dark backgrounds and wilting roses

Cryptic captions and unlively poses

“Look at me, I’m suffering! This looks cool, my Insta feed is uppering.”

My friends are nomadic

Because they always seem to be leaving

“Don’t be dramatic, you’re just overthinking.” 

“You’re not anxious, it’s all in your head.”

“You’re not being ignored, maybe you’re just needy instead.”

“And you take it so personally when you’re left on read.”

Why isn’t my stomach smaller?
I swear I haven’t eaten a thing

Maybe I need to wait a little longer 

For the workouts to kick in

My face betrays the beauty in my heart

Desirability is a role I want to play

But I simply can’t 

Cause boys don’t see me in that way

I want to embody femininity 

But girls like me don’t get equity

If I’m not quixotic

Then I’m not anything

My blush looks good today

So at least I might look pretty when I cry

Putting the “it’ll be okay” ensemble on display 

Coupled with the “it’ll be alright” routine unconvincingly 

I don’t think other people are the problem

It’s me

If I can’t be comfortable in my body

Then why am I existing at all?

All I have is myself

And I’m not even okay 

With my own presence, therefore

I’ll fade away  

Into the iridescence