A letter you'll never send

A letter I wish you sent before you drank yourself to death

             Hey, I know it’s been a while but I wanted to let you know that this is my last night here. I want you to know that when I close my eyes tonight, they won’t ever open again. My heart will stop in my sleep and you will wake up to your father giving you the news. I’m sorry it had to be like this. I tried to be better, for me and for you but it was all too much. I know I was hard on you towards the end but I finally get why you left me. Your stepmom’s family isn’t your fake family, and I’m sorry for saying that to you. I understand that they are going to be around for a while and you are just trying to start a relationship with them. I shouldn’t have held that over your shoulders. I finally understand the reason why you left me three years ago. You have to make time for everyone in your family and not just me. I understand your grown and you have responsibilities and expectations you have to meet. Me and your sister haven’t talked for over fourteen years and maybe I was scared to let you go. I was holding on to you maybe a little too hard. I didn’t listen to you when you told me you were doing this for me. I didn’t understand, but now I do. You wanted me to be your mother again but I was selfish and didn’t think about you. I know you don’t want to see me drinking when we hangout, but I still did. I know my friends I brought you around are not the best people to be around, but I still dragged you along. I called you a failure, I called you worthless, and im so so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I was caught up in my own head. I was drinking and I lost it. I want you to know before I go that you are not the reason I am this way. You are not the reason why I won’t wake up tomorrow. It was all on me. I should have stayed in rehab, I should have stopped drinking, I should have listened to you. You told me to stop drinking and you would come back. I was always so mad you left but it’s on me because I never stopped drinking. I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you because my suffering is over. Im at peace knowing that you did this all for me, I just wish I realized it sooner. I don’t think I’ve ever said this to you but im proud of the man you have become. If I was clearer headed it would have inspired me to be better but I wasn’t, and I won’t have the time to. Don’t mourn me joe. You have been mourning me for the past fourteen years without me even knowing it. I know it’s time to say goodbye. I love you always, so much, and I will always be looking out for you. You moved on while I stayed in the same place and I am so proud of you. Look out for your sister, and your father, let them know im sorry. It’s so hard to say goodbye to you. I just want to say more and more but I know I have to go; I know you have to go. Ill forever miss you, keep being that light that brightens the room. Take care mom.