Brenda

I had to come round, word on the street tells me you were caught in

bed with big Brenda.

Well, let me just put that rumour to bed right now. I wasn’t in bed with her, she was showing me something.

Yeah, I just bet she was, admit it you’re a slapper.

There’s nothing to admit, she was showing me something of a personal nature.

That’ll be a guilty verdict then.

Jesus, she has a growth.

We know that, they’re called Dolly Partons.

Not that sort of growth.

She’s not dying, is she.

No, it’s worse than that.

Well, the only thing I know worse than death is sleeping with you.

Doesn’t seem to stop you.

That’s just breakup sex, you don’t think I enjoy it, do you.

Can’t wait for the day you have moving on sex.

That’ll be this Saturday, got my eye on the new guy in the office, he doesn’t know it yet, but he’s mine.

Oh good, I can go out in the knowledge knowing I won't be getting disturbed when I get home.

Well, I know this a bit of a cheek, but I was hoping you’d let me bring him back to yours.

Why, is your pad washing its hair that night?

No, it's just in case he turns out to be a stalker.

Oh, definitely, we certainly don't want any more stalkers near you. How is the window cleaner, by the way, is he out of hospital.

Yes,  saw the dirty little pervert in a wheelchair yesterday.

So you’ll be heading up to court again.

Yes, and I’ve cited you as a character witness.

Oh, I don’t know, it is a perk of the job leering through windows, and you are perv material in a strange way.

I don’t mind people perving through my window, just not at midnight.

Well, he sure as hell won’t be doing it again. Did he know it was your bad time of the month?

Never mind that, what’s this mysterious growth Brenda’s got.

A penis.

What do you mean a penis, is some guy stuck up there, you winding me up.

No, straight up, I was a bit shocked myself.

So what did you say to her?

Nothing at first, then I phoned Roger down at the hospital to see if it was possible for a woman to grow a penis. He was over the moon, couldn’t get here quick enough, whisked her away as fast as his Mercedes could take them.

Remember that creep from school. He was always dissecting things. Remember, we always said he would be a serial killer.

Yeah, now he’s a gynaecologist on a  hundred grand a year, where's

the justice.

He’s the reason I don’t have children. The thought of that creep prodding about my privates. Nearly as bad as letting you near them.

Well, let’s hope your new guy does it for you, and don’t text me, I don’t want to know what you're wearing, what you’re not wearing, and if he’s better than me.

Aw, come on, you know that turns me on, actually, the thought of big Brenda with a dick is turning me on.

You really are one depraved individual.

Do you think I might have lesbian tendencies, maybe you're turning me onto women because you don’t do it for me any more?

You hate women, something to do with your low self-esteem, and a thousand other issues.

Thought you were fixing all of that shit.

I am, it just seems to be a long process.

It has been five years, do you think I’ll ever be cured.

Got a feeling you’ll definitely be cured someday, but for now, what’s the byword to a happy life.

The byword to a happy life is running home to you when strange men annoy me.

There you go, see the progress you’ve made so far.