I’m the problem

Why am I always the problem

Why can’t I express how I feel

All the shit I write about you is loving

All I say is sweet stuff

But you make me feel dead inside

Like I’ll never do enough to satisfy you

How I look, or what I do for you

I’m never what you want

You’re looking for who I was

The girl who was so outspoken. Who didn’t love you

But pulled you along until she did fancy you

Now look.

I love you, and adore you even more

And now you don’t want me to

How the tables turn

Once upon a time I was everything you yearned for

Now you smack your head against the wall

When I’m near you

How different things are once you do love me

Do you purposely try to make yourself un-loveable?

Is that your whole persona?

The little boy with no daddy

His mummy dependant on him

The little boy who let people decide who he was

And what he spent his life doing

Who let people critique him

So he bought himself down, and me too

Like a sinking ship

Who lets the only person who truly loves him fight for his love, affection, and want

Lets her look in the mirror questioning every part of herself

Why she isn’t good enough for you

Why you won’t let her in

Why you won’t let her love you

Why you won’t stop being that little boy without a daddy

Because she’s a girl with none

She can see your broken, and loves every broken part

Scar, ache. Wants to kiss away every tear

But you won’t let her

She’s frustrated you can’t be normal about emotions

Autism doesn’t define your words

You’re more than what your mum has always said

But instead you worry

That you’re not enough

That you’re not worthy of anything good

That you’re nothing

But to her

You’re everything

You don’t show her the same

And that breaks her

Because she knows she’s never been enough

For her dad, and now you

We’re so similar but so very different

Sometimes she dreams of you

Others she wants to get away

She lets you satisfy everything you want

She lets you take everything she has

Take advantage of her, and her love

Lets her tire herself out trying to support your dreams

While you let her sit on hers

She wants to be a teacher

A woman who does something special

I want to be remembered

I want to experience an intense love

I wanted to experience that with you

But you make it so hard

You make me hurt so bad

I want nothing more than you

Than a future with you

But you make it so hard

So difficult to love you unconditionally like I want to

Love is a choice

And I choose to love you everyday

But today I regret it.

The aggression you have I understand

I don’t like it, but I understand you

How your brain works

But you make me feel like I’m the reason for it

Like you’ll take your aggression out on me

Like I’ll be hit again

Or kicked

Or worse now

Because I can take it

I can cover a bruise

I can keep a secret

Because I know I’m the problem

I’m sorry for forcing me and my love

I’ve been told it’s trouble and toxic

She doesn’t mean it

She tries to love but only ends up pushing people away

She tries to be the person he isn’t. But lets her hurt get in the way

She’s broken; she’s got scars she hides, hurt she can’t comprehend

She’s the problem

I’m the problem