Rock Bottom

I am broken

I cannot feel my body 

My breaths drag in heavy gasps 

As I lay in bed

Pulling my underwear and pajama bottoms up 

My eyes silently pool with water

It drips down my face

Outlining it in a thin layer of the salt water.

It felt like an eternity 

Till he finally left...

Oh Lord I tried to stop it

To push him away

To do anything to get him off

To relieve the weight

That even though he's gone now,

Multiplies. 

I can't scream out

With my body frozen in place

When it realizes 

He isn't leaving

My body numbs

My mind swirls into a mess

I disassociate before I can't control myself

And my mind leaves my body.

Tears come faster

As I continue to realize

It's never going to end

He's alway going to come back

Almost every night

And I cry when I'm finally alone

With blankets shoved in my face

Everything hurts

And how did nobody hear? 

I cry myself to sleep

Just for it to happen again the next day.

My body aches

From the pain

Of walking around

Like nothing's wrong

And acting like I'm not messed up from him

How do I carry on like this?

Can't somebody see my pain?

Can someone please end this?

And he makes threats so I don't tell anyone

And he manipulates me

And changes my whole interpretation of life right in front of my eyes.

I will never be free of the scar 

He left all over my mental state

And he continues to haunt me

Even though I'm rid of that terror.

I try so hard to be free 

And find myself

In a person that I barely know

That I haven't connected with in years

It feels so weird

For my mind to be intertwined with a body

After feeling like it's just my mind

With a random body I cannot control.

The shakes

The tears

All come on their own

With no warning

As my mind screams

For my body to let out any noise for someone to hear

So all this trauma stops

But it doesn't

And it continues to replay

For my mind to experience the flashbacks

And how he lured me in

With all the lies

And I was so naive

And already damaged

That I just believed it

And it got so tiring 

To never be free

To be dragged down by him

To live in hell when he was here.

I slipped

Out of reach from everyone

Impossible to see inside

Impossible to get through the heavy, carefully placed brick wall.

While half of the days nothing feels real

Until the heavy clouds

Lay themselves upon me

But I guess I'm getting better

Because you can't go any further down

Than rock bottom hell.