Love’s Lost Love: A Look Into A Teenager’s Mind

Feel myself again, that's what I want 

Sometimes it doesn't go our way

That's what I'm scared of….

Not being able to feel myself again

Emotional, emotions, motions

These motions im making in order to feel myself again

Half the time they’re unsuccessful

unsuccessful , losing, last chance

Those are scary words

So scary to the point of me losing all the color in my skin

Normal, not sure what normal is

I know it's something i wanna feel

I think i'm starting to come back to myself

Awhile ago I had lost myself completely

Was so scared for so long

So scared, so sad

So far but so close

So happy but so sad

Found but so lost

So lost

Flow, the flow of everything was so off

The blood flowing from my wrist made me feel numb

Yet it was the only thing keeping me sober

“I'm not feeling this anymore

This vibe, this happiness, this excitement

This future, this life

All of it is a fucking waste, im a waste, my prescence is a waste

You feel? Writing in this here notes thing

Doesn't do anything for me

It doesnt give me happiness

It doesn't take the sadness, anxiety, depression

It doesn't take any of it away” ?|?|2019

Crying, showing my emotions

I have to admit you were right

It does take balls to be yourself and cry in front of people

Crying is an issue i have

It makes me feel vulnerable

I don't like feeling vulnerable, it makes me look weak when i'm vulnerable

For me “Crying is Vulnerable, Vulnerable is weak” 

It's just something i don't wanna feel

These notes, these notes i've been writing

Honestly

I don't know, i don't know who, i don't know what

When or why

What i do know is confusion, i'm confused

The confusion brings on 

Paranoia, disorientation and most importantly

The lost hope of finding who i am

I'm not sure why but every time i write

I feel some part of me missing

A missing part that's been empty 

For a longtime

Sitting here writing this book not only for my mom 

For other people who need help turning their feelings

Into words, has really made me think about my life

What it's going to be like living in an empty apartment

The silence, calmness, negative space

Soon it’ll all come together 

I will soon realize what it means to be truly alone

Emotions are my drugs

Sadness, anxiety, depression, separation anxiety

The time i do feel the actual strength of those emotions

Are the times i feel like i'm in paradise

My drugs give me a strange comfort 

A very strange comfort, thats familiar but also unfamiliar

These drugs truly are my paradise

As well as my way out of this ungrateful ass world

I'm so sick of having to live as well as breath 

Around these sick ass people

Drugs just need to take my ass to paradise already

I've tried taking my life multiple time

I've cut and i still have the scars to prove it

I've tried overdosing too many times

I've tried getting a gun and ending it that way

I've tried to freeze myself outside during the winter

I've sat in my room letting the blood flow too many nights

After nugs died, it feels as if there's nothing here for me now

The pain i've felt in such a short time

Explains why i am the way i am now

It explains why im so mean to everyone

I don't want people to get close to me

One day it’ll happen, i don't want people to remember me

I don't want them to be attached so they’ll hurt from what i did

I've ruined my relationship with my family 

So i could disconnect from them

When it does happen they won't hurt over me

I've really become a disgrace to my family 

As well as to everyone i've met in the past

To this day

I don't know if i'll ever be able to show my emotions like i used to

To this day

I'm still scared of what lies ahead

If i have enough strength for it

To this day

I don't want people getting attached only

Seeing as i'm still scared if i'll still be here when they expect me to

I know damn well that one day i'll lose my shit

Nonetheless will end up leaving this terrible place

To this day

I am scared

I really don't know why

I can't physically show my emotions anymore

My face is just too numb from the past pain i've felt

From the hard ass emotions from my past

I've actually tried everything but this girl

She just lightens up my day

Sometimes not even her 

Not even she can put a smile on my face

Nothing seems to work

So i'm just back to being empty

It's completely okay

Cause nothing makes me happy anymore

Lately i'm not really sure what's been going on

I've been getting anxiety on/off the past few weeks

Honestly 

Might go ghost again

I don't feel what it's like to feel normal feelings

I don't feel in touch with my reality

I don't feel at home even when I am home

I'm so outta touch with my reality

I miss being able to not force my happiness

I miss being in my room alone

In the darkness

Hugging me like it's never letting go

The feeling i got when just surrounded by darkness

The comfort i get in its arms

That

That's what makes me feel at home

I'm still so lost

So lost

From my mind, soul, my reality

The only thing i havent lost yet is my sanity as well as my thoughts

Yet i'm so close to losing both

A lot closer to losing my sanity than my thoughts

I can't really lose my thoughts

It seems like i'm the one getting lost in them

Roses

They’re so comforting

They’ve always given me a sense of comfort

Everytime i wear one on my clothes or see a natural rose growing

I really can't explain how in love with them i am

If anything were to bring me back to this hell hole

It would most definitely be roses

They make me feel safe 

When I’m vulnerable

When I’m vulnerable

I still don't know what i want

I still don't know what my purpose is in this life is

I still don't know if i'm truly happy

I still don't know

Honestly

I'm not comfortable in my own body

I'm not comfortable with the thoughts circulating in my head at this moment

I'm not comfortable with the place im in rn

I don't know what this new feeling is 

I don't belong here

I need to get out

I need to leave whatever place this is

She sucked the life outta me

Literally

When she left, she took my whole personality

As well as all my emotions with her

Now 

I'm just empty

I don't know anymore

 

Love isn't worth it 

With the amount of pain, anxiety, and overthinking

That comes with it

Figure out early on 

If they’re worth it 

Stick to it

Don't let it go

The moment you let go

If you were wrong

Your whole soul will be ripped from you

Your emotions, your thoughts, your happiness, your social skills

One thing that’ll be left behind is the pain

That's the worst part

Once that's all you have

That's all you have

It’ll never change, no matter what happens

No matter who tries to change it

It’ll still be there 

Waiting for you, in the back of your mind

This song - Alone by SadboyProlific

Made me think about why I vape/smoke

The fact is it suppresses my other addictions 

That are more unhealthy than this

This can either kill me slowly

The other way which has a chance to kill me faster

I've been really happy recently but feeling this physical pain from tonight

Made me think about relapsing on pills along with cutting

Shits fucked up 

It's the some of the only things that can suppress the pain i hide

Im honestly so exhausted from this pain

Both mentally and physically

Thinking about getting started to digging my own grave again

This shit lame as fuck

 

Somethings here

It's very comforting

It's not happiness nor sadness

It's not the brightness i used to feel

Infact

It's the opposite, its darkness

I know how that sounds

For me darkness means feeling safe again

Means feeling happy

The sense of belonging

I'm not sure if it's just me 

The darkness, the sadness

It brings me happiness

It truly does

Introduction

 

You’ve gotten through the whole book

You barely know a thing about me

Except my deepest emotions

Let me introduce myself

I’m Ashton Weibley

I'm a 16 year old kid interested in

Video games, skateboarding, and penmanship

During this period of writing this book

I was attending Riverside Military Academy

I started this book at the beginning of the 2020-21 school year

Finished it the night of May 17, 2021

This….. This is what goes on inside

It is now December 3, 2021 

Half way through my junior year of high school

In the time

I have written, finished and published this book

I have not only conquered my demons

But my deepest fears as well

If you think you are alone

YOU

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

 

If you think you have no one to reach out to

You are wrong

You have many people around you 

That are willing to give up time to listen

 

If you need immediate help reach out and call

1+ (800-273-8255)