Introspection

 

Im off kilter and deep off in the deep end

The more i pay attention

I start to see a sequence

a repetitive path that leads to painful slashes at my emotional weaknesses

I told myself id never lose again

But then i lost again

In exactly the same way

Lying to myself

Hiding the truth in a maze

thats how i ended up in this cycle of pain

Consigned myself to insanity

Doing the same exact things

And expecting there to be a difference

Preaching great things to others

But to me I’ll never listen

There’s a void where my heart is supposed to be

Thats symbolic of the absence of all the people that used to mean the world to me

Im stuck between proving something meaninglessness to my self

And actually going out and screaming for help

But theres a a persistent delusion that i can save myself

My life is in shambles

The things that i miss about me

Aren’t even things you can grab physically

Now there’s no balance or dichotomy

I cant swim and im in an ocean of apathy

Bad thing is , it feels just the same as well

Everything does and the world is so pale

Searching for the people im subconsciously hoping would coax me out of my shell

When they eventually fail

im like “ok oh well “

Theres no balance in my friendship scales

Just a litany of precautionary tales

“Oh dont ever trust them like that , don’t ever love them like that , don’t carry their failures and insecurities on your back .”

I just tried to give back and take em out of that dark place

Cause i dont want company there

And this life aint fair

I just want better for them

Do my best to put a smile on them

My efforts have never gone to waste

But i always wish they were able to reciprocate

Like somebody please pull me out of this dark sunken cave

Id like to live in the light for just a couple days

Id love to tell the pain that i just need some space

Want to live that peace that i so often bring to others

But i do like these moments where i can think and speak on my current state mentally with clarity

And i still believe theres some good in me

That theres hope that id stop fulfilling these self destructive prophecies

Yeah i guess there’s still hope for me

As long as i keep speaking to myself honestly

I never knew what was better for me until I started thinking introspectively