I love you and goodbye

I've gained some peace,

Since you've been gone.

Although I do feel bad,

Because you needed me to lean on. 

But if I'm not strong enough,

To stand on my own two feet,

If I can hardly move,

Because of wobbly knees.

Then how can I possibly, 

Use my own energy,

To hold your hand through your own healing?

To lend you an ear, 

When I can't truly hear,

To offer you support,

Although I can't handle being there. 

It's not that I don't love you,

Or that I don't care.

It's not that I don't miss you.

And no it's not fair.

It's just that I'm trying

To be all that I can be,

To wake up tomorrow 

And be better than today.

It's that being a mother, a wife, a caretaker and a worker,

Is all an awful lot of pressure,

Especially knowing that I can't touch the bottle.

It's having to be present.

And learning who I am. 

It's the fact that I'm so young,

But I'm trying as hard as I can.

I've fucked up, 

a whole lot of times.

Some worse than others,

And now I must learn, 

To navigate this chapter of my life.

So yes,

It's been more peaceful, 

Since you've been gone, 

But I encourage you, 

To continue moving on. 

Just because I can't be there,

And I don't want to be close friends,

Doesn't mean I don't wish you, the very best.

But my family needs me now.

And I need myself, 

There is no room to fall, over someone else.

So with all due respect and so much love wished for you,

I'm glad I said goodbye,

It was the right thing to do.