3 AM

(In days of old when Knights were bold and girls were known as Flappers) Oh, your mum phoned today.

What did she want?

She said, Colin is getting married, I hate you, then she started crying.

Aw, Colin was my first love.

Was he not gay?

Yes, but that didn’t matter.

Sex must have been great.

It’s not all about sex, you know.

Like I said, sex must have been great.

They’re trying for a baby.

Who’s trying for a baby.

Colin and his partner.

Love to be a fly on the wall at that conception.

They’re looking for a surrogate.

Oh, so it’s not immaculate after all.

Colin asked me if I would do it for them.

Not on your life, that’s my department.

I think I should, they would make great parents.

Right, we’re getting married, let’s get down to the supermarket now.

You taking me shopping.

No, we’re getting married.

We’re getting married down the supermarket.

Yes, they do that sort of stuff, don’t they.

Are you proposing to me?

Damn, right, I am.

I’ll need to phone mum, tell her the good news. We’ll go to the Jewellers tomorrow.

Three A.M. in bed. Were you really going to have a baby for Colin?

There is no Colin.

Colin, your first love, remember.

There is no Colin.

Colin, the great guy your mum was crying over.

Was she?

Am I missing something.

Go back to sleep.

My God, you two should be in the CIA, how long have you been planning this.

Not that long.

Is there anything else I should know.

It’s a church wedding.

Am I invited?

I think your parents would like to see you there.

I think I need to go to sleep now.

You do that, honey.

Does that mean your mum actually likes me.

I wouldn’t go that far.