are you my mother?

“Are you my mother?”

Is a book we read as kids

But

“Am i your mother?”

Is a question i ask daily

Am i your mother

Even though you are not here?

Am i your mother

Although i never got to hold you?

Am i your mother

If i didn’t know about you until it was too late?

Am i your mother

If i don't know whether you would have been

A girl or a boy?

Am i your mother

If i never heard you cry? 

Am i your mother

Even though when i took that test

You were already leaving?

Am i your mother

Even though my body, 

Which should have been your safe place

Is the place you ceased to exist?

Am i your mother

If i couldn’t watch you grow up?

Am i a mother at all?

Maybe to some it seems

Like i am overreacting

But to me this is reasonable

Although nothing about the situation

Is reasonable

This is mourning

Even though no one should ever

Have to mourn their child

Shouldn’t it hurt less?

Since i didn’t even know about you?

But i will carry those words with me for the rest of my life

“You are having a miscarriage”

A miscarriage?

But I’m not pregnant

I can’t have a miscarriage

If I’m not pregnant

You made a mistake

This must be a mistake

But i walked out that day

With an appointment summary

And a school excuse

And my medical records show

That my reason for visiting was a

“Spontaneous aboriton”

Is there not a better term?

There is not

For them it is that simple

They tell you that your baby is dead

And they send you home

With ibuprofen for the pain

But what about the pain

That can’t be fixed 

With ibuprofen?

That is not their problem

They see so many people like you

Of course they have to get used to it

But do i have to get used to it?

I have to carry on with my life

Knowing that i was growing

A life inside of me

But for reasons that i will never know

That life was cut short

And i will carry that pain with me

Much longer than i got to carry her

I don’t that she was a girl

It was just a feeling

Call it mother’s intuition

If you consider me a mother