Chaos and Control

Sometimes I think chaos and control are the same thing.

I am only in control when I am not.

From the outside I seem to chaotically shove needles through my ears but it is only because I can finally pinpoint what is hurting me.

I can control the pain

From the outside I seem to mindlessly pour alcohol in my cup into the late night but it is only because I can finally feel something. 

I can control my state.

From the outside I seem to madly obsess over every grade that I get but it is only because I can finally say I have achieved something.

I can control my success

From the outside I seem to carelessly throw my body around from one person to the next but it is only so I can finally say that I am free. 

I can control my independence

I don’t think I have ever truly been in control but I honestly don’t mind it because at least the chaos allows me to convince myself that I am