A Stainless Steel Knife & The Importance of The Cerebellum : Stanza 5 & 6

STANZA VI

 

I’ve started to breathe freely again

My eyes are a bit less foggy

Dipping my toes in so many new pools

So many sharp intakes

Fueled by worry and distrust

Uncomfortable as this all is

It is a must

The all encompassing darkness has begun to recede

I can now finally take

The first steps

In the journey

To discover

And to answer

Who is me ?

Over a fifth of a century

Of being deceived by me

The selectively permeable sponge

The masochistic empath

He who wanted happiness

But only taught himself pain

Blesser and supporter of others

Butcher and crucifier of thine self

Absorber of every insult and all trauma

Hermetically sealed off from joy and acknowledging progress

This has been my cycle

My loop

To the edge of insanity I’ve been

A more unsettling place than i have ever known

A more defeated person , my mirror has never shown

 

STANZA VII

 

In this field of gray that i know reside in

Im still adjusting to the climate

Slightly pleasant

I hesitate to embrace enjoyment

Every muscle tensed

In anticipation

For the next set of hardships

My joyless masochistic subconscious hounds me

Even in my attempts to rest

A tsunami of paralysis fueled by anxiety attempts to take my breath

Perhaps i stare into the mirror with too critical of an eye

The criminal

Eternally perceived

As I

The freeing crop of perspective

Devoured by the locusts

Of my excessive internal locus

So i continue to consume negations

Perpetually in denial

Baptized in its reality defining waters

My first post baptismal inhale

The sweet air of self hatred

Caustic criticisms fementing in my soul to become a poisonous ale

And I’ll drink it every night