A Stainless Steel Knife & The Importance of The Cerebellum : Stanza 10 & 11

STANZA X

 

I cant smell a thing anymore

The garden surrounding me be damned

I need to break this emotional dam

The dreams and hopes need to be drowned

With acknowledgments

Of my current reality

My wishes should never replace

Those honest images

That my always observing eyes

Perceive

If i do that

Ill never be free

Its a motif

That I’ll continue to repeat

Ive lived life like a fish in a bowl

Knowing my true self can be found in the sea

The canals leading to self realization

A maze

More complex than any matrix

Its time to look in the mirror

And finally say it

Who i am must die

So i can be anew

Finally true

Capable of looking in the mirror

And saying

“Hey i know you “

As i now take the the steps up

Thorns can go to hell

Let my hands bare the scars

Blood may be spilt

Time

And

Time

Again

Even as the darkness of my reality looms

I can still

Smell the sweet blooms

Within this

Claustrophobic

Torture chamber

Also known as

My loving heart

For happiness

I think

Ive made room

Validating

My anger

My built up rage

The caustic fumes

Eating at my soul

When left in its previous cage

Horizons anew the sky an orange yellow hue

Hope of a new day

 

STANZA XI

 

I can never have what i want

A sobering realization

It wages war

With my human temptations

Can i be described as ambitious

For wanting to experience a comforting love ?

Have i asked for too much ?

Am i not enough to deserve that ?

I long to end this contentious internal combat.

A short while ago i was at peace with this piece of my life

Then it was plunged into strife

Her overwhelming emotional shadow resided for three days in my seldom opened heart

The poison of nostalgia filled my veins

A bliss overcame me that made me forget all the pain

As if it were magic i was transported to a better place

In my desperate and delusional fervor i longed for us to be closer

Only for the truth to remind me of the need for space

I do adore that face

I enjoy her presence

I am always at the mercy of her infectious soul

However

I can not burden myself to the point of my ruin

Only she can restore her emotional ruins

Ive begun to restore mine

Yet hers remain as desolate as before

I wish-

Yes thats what this whole thing is

A wish

A wish that most likely will not be granted

And if i resign myself to a blind belief in it ,

Then i will be forever emotionally stranded

And yet

There remains the anger

The anger of another solemn request being denied

Will i be denied this joy in life ?

In this rarest of occasions where another’s heart aligns with mine

Our journeys just HAVE to be maligned with mines ?

Id gladly take all the pain and suffering that entails

But WHY should this path rob me of my entrails ?

Can i not have a blissful journey to this desired embrace ?

Must everything in my life evolve into a trial that i must face ?

Im tired , im weary , i am consumed by exhaustion

Does everything i aim to do have to be engulfed with caution?

Can i not take risks without having to pay a price a million times the price of others ?

Im in a prison devoid of comfort

Something that is fleetingly found in others

My rage is buliding

My faith is yielding

And i fear that i have no chance of healing