numbers

brooke_ta

i am 16.

i will be 17 in 47 days and I am still aching for my own validation

starting approximately 775 days ago

the 136.4 that stood below my feet held me by my throat

it was nothing until “you would look prettier if you lost some weight!” 

it was nothing until “no one will love you if you are fat.”

so,

one app, 1600 calories, drop

30 minutes, RUN, 300 calories, drop

more, more, MORE!

who am i?

new app, 1200 calories, drop

one hour, RUN, 700 calories, drop

bones that looked like diamonds

complements that felt like the polish

it was only 1 year

but I was gone

who am i?

who could i trust with my secrets?

im stuck to recover alone

silence

delete the app

relapse

i said delete the app

relapse

1200…1600… 2000… 3000

more, more, MORE!

save yourself

who am i?

“what happened?” “you have have yourself go”

i’m trying to find myself again

however, i learned

4000 calories are fine if you can get them out

2 fingers that reached the back of the 1 throat i have

4000 turns to 2000

what am i doing?

who am i?

year 2.

go back

take me to 775 days ago when i did not cry

no cries over my lost control

no cries over what the mirror reflects

no cries over the numbers

the numbers

who am i?

  • Author: Brooke Andrews (Pseudonym) (Offline Offline)
  • Published: July 17th, 2022 15:24
  • Comment from author about the poem: whenever i feel at my lowest, i write. this poem was written nearly 5 months ago when i started to relapse frequently into my eating disorders. i was struggling again last night and decided to read some of the things that i have written. this spoke to me and i felt like i needed to share. if you are struggling, please know that you are not alone. there is always someone out there who wants to help. if you are battling an eating disorder and don’t know where to go, NEDA.com is a great place to start. take care ❤️ p.s. you can always message me. i am here to listen.
  • Category: Sad
  • Views: 19
  • Users favorite of this poem: L. B. Mek
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Comments +

Comments1

  • L. B. Mek

    they say words, can't break bones
    but here
    a lifetime's worth of trauma
    and guts, abused
    by that person's own fingers...
    yeah, sure
    'words can't hurt', right?!
    (such a cruel world
    the older, supposedly 'wiser' minds
    labelling, younger
    more insecure generations
    as 'flakes'
    or weaklings, because
    apparently, 'bullying, is a part of life'
    we have to accept
    and being belittled, is inevitable
    didn't you know
    it's all done for you, to make you
    'stronger'
    for having gone through it..
    and yet
    for every, Brave and Inspirational
    story
    like yours, dear Poet
    how many
    never make it?
    get stuck in that whirlpool of demise
    to never, again
    feel sunshine, or another's eyes
    upon them
    without feeling
    like they're being cooked, alive...
    just, such a fck'd up world!)
    I laud your bravery
    and champion, your message
    stay Strong! dear Poet
    hope you all, blossom
    into a wiser generations
    than we, who failed - pathetically
    like all those before us



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