How to Love Myself with a catholic Family

raininginsun

There’s no easy way to announce that 
I am 
who 
I am.

From trivial things, to the cores of my soul.
I will never be accepted, 
and the strings that form me bring tears to my parents eyes.

A simple stride for honesty 
takes my mother mute.
My father tells me I'll regret my future.
And my brother enters my room 
questioning why I would ever intentionally ruin my parents afternoon.

I just want to be honest, and not hide.
But either way, I cannot win.
It happens time and time again

And i’m trapped.
I cannot leave,
I cannot stay.

It’s this damned moon tide, 
pulling me forward
and thrusting me back.
Am I safe, or am I gone?

I pleaded myself that I would 
never 
use substances as an escape.

But I’m here I am with tears filling my collar,
begging to get high,
downing each drop,
wishing the edibles would kick in.

Could I hide in these childhood sheets forever
I would.

Instead I leave empty hearted.
Believing my crutch would last forever.
Breaking my heart
over and over again.
never understanding that dreams 
can only be that.

I love myself,
but I hate myself too.

How can I love myself when 
Even my family doesn't?

I'm feeling so defeated.
Like I can never tell my parents a thing.
Like I'll have to live in the shadows forever.

I can’t go to church,
get a proper job,
or surrender my autonomy.

I just want to be happy.
But I cant cut my cake
and eat it too.

Make my parents happy,
Or die lost, despairing, and stubborn.

  • Author: raininginsun (Offline Offline)
  • Published: August 8th, 2022 02:08
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 19
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Comments +

Comments2

  • L. B. Mek

    impassioned write,
    but forgive me, it feels a little
    like you're trying to solve
    all your problems, at once
    may i suggest, taking smaller steps
    like
    finding distance, from those
    you feel, oppose
    your choices in life
    maybe not permanently, just
    for a few hours a day
    find a place, you feel may support you better
    and let that be your starting line
    to those changes in your life
    you feel, you need to enact
    small, imperceptible changes
    that only you can recognise
    let them accumulate, steadily
    and empower you from within..
    (only
    if you actually, want
    things to change
    that is)
    thanks for sharing!

  • Paul Bell

    At some point in life, you are solely responsible for yourself. So you now need to take that responsibility. If it hurts others, tough. If you're struggling with substance abuse, get yourself onto the 12-step plan, you'll be amazed the difference it's made to others.



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