She’s not me, not anymore

I tried to shed the girl I once was long ago

tried to leave her in the river of my depression

I tried shoving her down into the depths of my despair

But the shame of being different

Of feeling like i am “other”

Kept her from sinking

And propelled her to the surface

I was too weak

And I was Forced me to keep her

Forced to keep up the facade

The worst part of my charade

Is not the self-loathing

The hate I  feel toward myself

For thinking these thoughts

For feeling these feelings

For not being in control of my mind and body

It’s not the loneliness

Though it’s my constant accompaniment through life

Not the crushing weight of a burden I must bear alone

The tears shed in quiet while no one’s looking

It’s not the feeling of hiding from the world

Of not being able to be truly honest

To be able to open up

Of Negating myself till I am

Nothing

The worst part are those who pretend I’m the same girl I once was

It’s those who ignore my cries for help

And ignore my feelings

As if pretending they’re not there

Will shoo them out the door

The worst is wanting support

From those who say they love me the most

But all they can do is pretend

Pretend that my world didn’t fall apart

Pretend that I’m not really this way

Pretend that I’ll get over it

So that they don’t have to step foot in my reality

What they don’t understand

Is that this isn’t something to get over

This is me

Hiding myself means I ball my feelings up

Make myself as small as I can

And bury myself in my sadness

But I want to take up space

And I want them to acknowledge my reality

not treat it as something shameful

Or something that retreats in the silence

Ignoring and pretending makes me feel ashamed

and sad

and ashamed

I don’t want to pretend

Not for other people

and especially not for myself

Not sure I can pretend anymore

Every day I struggle to keep up the act

To keep my carefully constructed facade from crumbling

And burying me in the process

But one glimmer of the girl I once was

And I’m on my knees

one smile from a pretty girl

Has me frantically gathering the crumbling bricks

One thought of my brother

Has me scrambling for shelter

Crazy how all my hard work can be gone in seconds

All the bricks I’ve spent hours stacking up

And filling in any holes that betrayed my feelings

These walls kept them up

So I could continue living my life

I’m not sure how much more of this I can take

Not sure how long I can hold up this crackling facade

How long I can keep picking up the pieces and putting them together one by one

How long till people start seeing through my act?

One day my charade will crumble and it’ll drown me

in sadness, shame, and desperation

Not sure I can hold onto the girl I once was

Im not her, not anymore