Attain

Why do I awake with the need to attain?

Every morning, always the same.

There is a lapse in my self-worth.

Chosen or forced?

I believe I'm a man of substance.

Maybe just one of reluctance?

The void of uncertainty of I am or was...

Whatever is given to me, is not enough...

Somber but never restful...

Never sharp, just dull.

If I die in my sleep, will I find the cornerstone of my existence before I slip to the other realm?

Maybe eternally drift in a sorrowful swell...

Of every thought I believed to be me...

Repeatedly taken out to sea...

I'm confused to comprehend that my sanity may have always been in jeopardy...

Or my confusion is what I attain to achieve...every new day that I believe...

That I died long ago and exist in what never can be...

For my sins now curse me...

 And Heaven attained...is my fallacy.