Perfection

I’m not perfect because I don’t like the right foods

You can hate every single food mom makes

But because I don’t like stuffing and pudding

I’m not right

I’m not perfect because I’m not funny

Caleb can tell a joke and everyone laughs

But when I tell the same joke it is dead silent

I’m not perfect because I don’t help out enough

But the moment I do, I’m a goody-two shoes

A kiss-up, teacher's pet

I’m not perfect because I’m too quiet, too reserved

But the moment I open my mouth, I’m too loud

Too opinionated

I’m not perfect because I hide in my room all day

But the moment I come out, insults bombard me

Like I’m Dorothy 

And the words are the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys

They attack me constantly

Incessantly

Even after I leave

When I stare at the mirror

They circle my head

My too wide waist

So I cut back my diet

I run on the treadmill

I count my calories

But the numbers aren’t going down fast enough

So I stop eating 

Except for an apple a day

Because an apple a day

Keeps the questions at bay

If they see me eat that

They won’t see the pain I go through

They won’t hear my stomach growling 

Telling me it's empty

I need to be a size 6

Size 4

Size 2

Size 0

Am I perfect yet?

Or do you need more?

Will you demand more perfection?

Work harder

Think smarter

A 93% is now a failure

Missing half a point makes me a loser

But getting a perfect makes me “too perfect”

Because I act perfect all the time

But that’s not perfection that’s confidence

But that’s not confidence, that’s arrogance

So I stop talking about the things I’m proud of

The accomplishments I've achieved

The good grades I get

I stop talking about the things I enjoy

Instead,

I talk about the things I hate about myself

But now I’m fishing for compliments

Now I need validation

For you have destroyed my confidence

Am I perfect yet?

I’m not perfect because I focus on myself

I do what’s best for me

But that makes me selfish

So I stop doing what I want to do

I do what you want to do

I compliment you

Listen to everyone’s problems

Never able to voice my own

Because I know I will be interrupted 

Because your problems are more important

I can’t even eat crackers at friend’s house

Because I don’t want to feel like a burden

“It’s up to you”

I hate those words with a burning passion

Because I what if I pick the wrong choice

The one you don’t want to do

Will you hate me?

Am I perfect yet?

No. A thousand times no

Because look at your hair

Your face

Your eyes

No one likes brown eyes

Your clothes

Your shoes

The bags under your eyes

Well I can’t sleep

I’m up 'til 1am

Wishing I was asleep

Begging I was asleep

Instead of worrying about the next day

What are you going to wear tomorrow?

You can’t wear sweatpants, you’ll look like a slob

You can’t wear a tank top, you’ll look like a hoe

You can’t wear a sweater vest, you’ll look like a nerd 

You can’t wear a cardigan, you’ll like a grandma

You can’t wear a flannel, you’ll look like a basic white girl

You can’t wear plaid, you’ll look like a stupid farm girl

Well what do you want me to do?

What do you want me to wear?

I don’t really want to wear make-up today

Yes, you do, you have too

Otherwise, you look ugly

Too dull

Too plain

Now you’re wearing too much

You look fake

Your eye shadow doesn’t match

Your mascara looks awful

Am I perfect yet?

My wrist hurts

But I won’t tell a soul

Because I don’t want people to think I’m faking it

Milking it for attention

I will not be that girl

I tell myself I’m strong

I can’t take Ibuprofen

Because I’m not sure if I’ll take one

Or the entire bottle

People ask me why I do it 

And I tell them I don't know

Maybe its so I feel something

Against this numbness crawling beneath my skin

Or maybe its so I have proof that these feelings are real

And its not in my head

Maybe its punishment for not being perfect enough

Or maybe

Its so I am a little closer to death

Because I know I can't do it

Because who will feed calves with Mom in the morning?

Who will drive the boys to school?

Who will sit between Morgan and Peyton at the lunch table?

But those are all replaceable

Lizzy can feed calves with Mom

The boys can take the bus

Izzy can sit at the lunch table

So no, 

I don't know why I do it

And no,

I don't know why I don't do it

Am I perfect yet?

I’m not perfect because I can’t stand public places

The crush of bodies around me 

The sounds are too loud around me

I want to cover my ears and scream

Fall to my knees and scream

Is that perfection?

Anxiety that tells me “everyone’s watching you”

Whispers in my ear “everyone’s judging you”

Your clothes look weird

Your hair's a mess

Is that perfection?

A depression so crippling I can barely get out of bed in the morning

So damaging I can barely get off my knees in the shower

Because it tells me 

No one loves you

No one cares about you

You're going to live alone

You're going to die alone

Is that perfection?

Anorexia that’s so detrimental the thought of food makes me want to hurl

So destructive clothes hang off me like I’m just another hanger

Is that perfection?

Well then congrats to me, society

For you have finally made me perfect.