Anxiety

ANXIETY

I have always imagined at 30 years of age

I ‘d have a pretty awesome job, a car the works!

But wishes aren’t horses and we are not beggars

And therefore, we cannot ride!

Quiet a rude awakening at 31 years

When the picture-perfect life I imagined died

And the dreams I envisioned seemed to have dried!

“Delay is not denial!!Denial is denial, Delay is denial”

 Said this over and over again!

As constant reminder to hold on hope

Although I couldn’t cope!

31, 31,33,34 and 35 years of age

With each year passing by

My hope fading away

Delay started to feel like denial

The hopelessness in me was going viral

The fear of not making it was catching up with me

The walls of hope I held onto came crushing and crumbling down on me

It didn’t seem like I d see light at the end of the tunnel

Lord, I know that you said when the time is right you will make it happen!

But when Lord? When will the time be right?

And will you ever make it happen?

Also why am I the only one who has to wait?

Or do you just have favourites?

And I am just not one of them?

I could start to feel the weight!! Pilling up on me!

Sleep became a stranger and I met worry!

 worry and I would sit in the dark

And go over everything that was wrong and more that could go wrong

See anxiety crept up on me

And placed her hands around my neck

Not choking me hard…YET

Just hard enough to have me struggling for breath!

A little squeeze! A little nudge!

To overly remind me my life was at a standstill!

Have me wonder will I ever make it?

Have me wonder… Could I be cursed?

See anxiety and I conversed everyday

Back and forth we went

Me trying to hold on to hope

Her trying to tell me I won’t cope

Me trying to see light at the end of the tunnel

And her telling me there will never be light at the end of the tunnel

Her saying that I will never make it, that I should just give up!!

It wasn’t easy I have to admit!

She had me convinced I was a failure

Felt like at any point my head would split!!

And….and I wanted to seek help

She just would not let me!

Nobody needs to know! She’d say!

They will probably just judge you!!

She just wouldn’t lose her grip!

Unless I cut myself with a razor

With every cut she’d let lose a little

Once I put the razor down, she tightens her grip

See I was the puppet and she the puppet master she just pulled strings and I jumped

And she had me caged! In a twisted rollercoaster of emotions

I was losing myself

It was just too much!!!!

Anxiety you son of a witch!!! Just choke me out already!! This is too much!!

Walk me into the light!!have me become another statistic whatever!!

You like for me to suffer, don’t you?

Also why is nobody hearing my silent screams for help?

Yet we are all tweeting!! Depression is real!!mental health is vital! The signs are always there

Don’t you see me screaming??the scars on my wrists? don’t you see them?

I guess is just me and my anxiety! Until I walk into the light!