Just Another Way Out
She was all made up
and such
a pretty fabrication ..
Built like
a temple, yet sounded
hollow ..
Like some old church
might well
sound perhaps ..
And maybe, likewise
just as broken
She was however,
swiftly mended
But yet, there are still
those who
might suggest she had
more than
just a hand in her
very own, ultimate demise ..
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Comments9
Ooh I like this poem a lot. "built like a temple" is very sexy but the hollowness is sad......Also sad that she was the key player in her demise. Well done! x
the fact you like it at all, kinda makes the whole exercise worthwhile .. thank you C x
There are some shonkey architects about......Neville.....🙂
is shonkey an Oz term .. or am I just an ass for askin 🙂
Seems to be but yer got the general tenor of the post didn't yer? Incidentally, our Choice magazine (our version of your......memory lapse....)Runs Shonkey Awards every year for the most outrageously disappointing products bought to their notice (informative but also entertaining...)
A summary of inner sadness never outed hence fabrication and changeable moods --- - -- tragic indeed when no life-purpose is found demise can seem the only way out - - your powerful words hit the stages of despair so clearly methinks mon ami...............x
my delayed response is entirely due to the as yet nameless she who anonymously inspired these words .. thanking you kindly our Fay x
Wonderfully worded my friend. Sad for the people who never seem to be able to find their true selves, and perhaps need help all the more. They do unwittingly compound their own misery, and you can only ask why?
although it doesn't sit, or feel, or seem right .. it happens all the time, doesn't it .. many heartfelt thanks Bella
A fine write N.
I see you found another way in Mr. O 🙂
Great!
I love this...
It's good to be a part of this amazing community.
thank you Zain .. I'm sure there are many who enjoy being part of this particular community too and as muchly as you 🙂
Wonderful emotive words Neville.
Andy
Cheers GF60 sir ..
This is an encouraging start. However, there's a lot of extraneous wording that if gotten rid of will make the poem much stronger. For example: "Like some old church MIGHT sound PERHAPS.....I think removing perhaps would make the stanza resound more. The opening line is really good---in draws you in, especially "such a pretty fabrication".
Thank you and most kindly for sharing your thoughts with regard to my most recent little scribble ..
I appreciate every single one & always welcome constructive advice and suggestions ..
Wishing you all the very best of all good things,
Neville
You're more than welcome. After all that's what we're here for---to support one another and acknowledge that desire in us that makes not writing an impossibility.
harrowingly Brilliant!
so insightful Hyung
sadly I recognise many a friend
who've fallen for this
far, too common trapping
of ambition, to fit in
amongst circles, made more
of venomous tongues
than a forest of snakes..
(to me, this is less a poetic depiction
more, a sobering meditation
on the ill-fate, awaiting so many
who in their ambition, to fit in
do instead, push themselves
till their very foundation, of self
begins to creak and shudder
underneath, all that self-deceiving
and those, vultures
waiting to find the cracks, to exploit
any weakness
begin to throw, their insidious stones
wrapped in barded words, targeted
to do the most irreversible damage
...
here be the price, of acceptance
within our so called society
...
and yet, the alternative, is to be left
a bystander, to life itself
...
fck!)
thank you dear brother Mek .. appreciated more than you may ever know .. perhaps
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