1

“Your heart isn’t here anymore”

There the statement hangs

I hear them say it

 as I glance away 

barely breaking eye contact 

My heart has never been here

 buried in the soil of my family farm 

rooted in this place of mistrust and misuse 

It was never watered and nurtured

 in this place 

but rather flooded and packed 

Hardened like the bricks 

every dentists office seems to be made of .

They see my mind wander off

 assuming that it is thoughts of the future 

which has taken my focus 

But it’s not

The future is blurry

 like my sight has become 

And like my sight , with my future 

I’m not sure what is wrong

Where the illness started 

How it came to be 

And why it perpetually grows 

My voice is caught in my throat 

I don’t want to be stuck living

what people assume is my dream life

I don’t even have a dream life

Just a harsh reality most times 

I have no illusions that life will be better

A marriage a family to start

A fresh place to call home

Will it be home 

Or will I stare at the ceiling at night

Waiting for something in my life to come

Waiting for change 

Waking up in the morning and not wanting to be 

Just . To be . 

Always chasing a fulfillment that can never be reached 

I clear my throat . 

“ Yes . I do probably seem distracted “ I laugh it off and continue to make small talk