Suspended Smoke

I can 

Feel it

The wisps

Tickle my senses

The shards dance

In the pale light

They hang by

Slim chords that will

Not hold them for long

They mock me as they dangle

Above my head

The pressure is there

But not 

More of the idea

Of the pressure

A smoky room is where they

Preside

Waiting to fall

To inflict what

They have been waiting for

The things

I created

Things I 

Could have prevented

But instead

Shaped

Carved

Made to near perfection

For myself

As only I could

They are 

Crudely cut 

Devastatingly designed

To a beauty

Indescribable

To anyone

Save the ones who can

Understand my mind

But that is the few

So 

I stand under 

Waiting for the drop 

That is inevitable

Cutting

Ripping

Bloody Shards

Blood pools

So much ruby

They retreat

To hang once again

Waiting

Watching

For Something

To cause the strings

To snap

They delight in my pain

Shriek in joy at

My tears

Voices whisper

“You’ll be okay”

“You’re strong”

“Amazing”

“Toughen up”

“Grow a thicker skin”

“Wear a smile through the pain”

“Pain ends” 

I listen not

For these disembodies

Do not see

My rotted garden

It seems beautiful and blooming

But

That is the illusion

I created for them

They think they know

Think I let them in

But I am not so

Foolish

Careless

As to let someone past the walls

They shall not

Can not

Will not

See the bleeding organ that 

Beats in my chest

At times

Numbing ice spread

And

I am alright

I can handle it

At times

It retreats and

I think it is gone

I am always wrong

It returns

Vengeful

Angry that I was okay

The demons cages are emptied

Their saccharine smiles mock me

Their words harm me

Their claws drag me down

I cannot fight

Will never escape

Their clutches

This is dark

I know

But it is the battle

I fight

People think 

Telling me to be strong

Fixes

Repairs

But I have already been doing that

For years

For countless moments

I am tired

I am weak

I am sick of being me

I want to not care

I want to not take responsibility for everything

I want to sleep

For endless years

The blade of the knife

Is tempting

The gleam sings to my

Scars

This pain 

This hurt

This overwhelming darkness

Is inescapable

Will I ever truly see light?

Will I ever learn to love me?

How can I see myself through

A broken telescope

I am done

Trying to be

What people want

What I think I need

I know not

How to live in a moment

Because I

Need something to drag me forward

Something to keep me going

When the shadows come

Something to

Something

To save me from myself

I am both demon & angel

But

All i see is

Demon

Parasite

Unworthy

Ugly

Stupid

Foolish

Naive

The list goes on

How do I see me again?
The girl who loved

Who fell without caution

The girl who saw the world as

Beautiful

Optimistic

Who bright lights

Shone from her heart?

What is this shell

That pretends to be

Her

Thinks it understand how to 

Love 

Smile

Care

When in fact

It has a gaping

Bleeding wound

That it has

Neglected

Rejected

For years and that

Is now

Starting to be infected

This husk

Can no longer ignore

The damage

That’s been done

To the sunshiney 

Sweet

Loving

Person who inhibited this body

Oh pray

Where hast thou gone?

******?

Are you there?

Do you still care? Or

Has the world been to cruel

Cut a little too deep

And you have left

So that all that remains

Is 

Shards of wispy glass

Hanging over

A shell of

You

Please come back

If no one else does

I need you