Κάταγμα (fractured)

Is there ever a time when we actually feel like enough?

Or just moments?

Are we all pretenders

Of the greatest degree

Always lying

I love me

Do some of us 

Wear pain better than others

Some of us

Not knowing how to let it show

So it just festers and grows

Until it’s who

We are

Not a product

Of our circumstances

You make me feel

Like something more

I’m not just the pain and hurt

That I’ve told myself for years

Yet I still find it hard to be close to you

Always waiting for you to leave me

Reject me

How do i truly know

That you want 

me

love

me

For i have always seen myself

In a fractured light

Beautiful but hideous

Kind but merciless

Loving but not quite accepting

Being pushed upon over and over and over

again

How can i learn to actually love myself

How much longer do i lie

Before the words are true

Why cant i see myself how everyone else does

why

is

it

so

hard

I want an answer but i know 

I wont get one

Because i dont know

I am the only one who can offer me closure

But i have no closure to give

So somehow i must

Cauterize this wound

Before it cauterizes 

Me

I am so scared

And yet apathy feels me

Numbing and comforting

I want it to leave me alone

This peace

So i can feel the wretched feelings

And be done with them

They leave and return

leave

return

leave

return

This awfully repetitive cycle

Until i understand nothing

But know everything

Comprehension applies to me

In ways no other person

Could understand

Words pour out of me

But never fully capture

The picture i paint

How could you understand

How could you know

The hurt i feel

Maybe not as badly as before

Just a tiny sliver

The trauma ive endured

How even though

Not as great

As most would consider

Still stifling in its force

I want a different life

Not anymore

I have learned to accept

And love

What i have

But not completely

How do i

Learn to love

me

can i actually let go

be happy?

can i feel it, be it

or will it just be another lie

i need to know and i need to find

myself 

because the path of who i was used to be so clear

but now im not so sure who 

i am anymore

help me find

help me see the

one 

the only 

true me