This Connection

 

I'm hoping this is all for real my connection to you

In the beginning When I was a midnight black and blue

And you were feeling our amazing connection too

That’s when I accomplished so much and had many breakthroughs

 

Things somehow changed in recent months

Looking at all the relationship advice articles and advice's

I'm trying to learn how to navigate all of this

Somehow when you don’t respond for days I end up in crisis

 

See my brain fires extremely fast

And I'm learning my toolbox so I can make us last

I am trying everything to slow it down the best I can

I want to be as perfect as I can be for my new Man

 

And I say Man because all the others were just boys

Who used and abused me like unworthy, old toys

He makes me feel things so true and deep

I hope he is someone that I can keep

 

Because my brain is nonstop

When he doesn't answer and goes all ghost

That’s when my brain fills in the blanks

And things get all screwed up the most

 

This connection and love are really so beautiful

I really feel that I somehow got stuck in a land of dreams

I pray every day this is real, he is real

Hope it's all as real and loving and true as it all seems

 

I'm trying to heal my past trauma

All the wounds and unnecessary drama

So I don't carry it all into the present relationship

And I don’t tear us apart - tear and rip

 

There is so much of him I need to research and learn

So We can both fly and not shred and burn

Hes got so much going on can't help but wonder when it's my turn

When Do I become a top priority and concern

 

I feel so bad even writing that

That’s so conceited and selfish of me

To want to take a top spot in his life

Next to him is the only place I want to be

 

Now that I have found it safe

And fully allowed myself to love and fall

Now I'm hearing from him less and less

I can't even remember the last time he answered my call

I've physically only even chilled with him once

And that includes all summer and fall

I am starting to shrink again

Just when I've finally started walking so upright and tall

 

Recently I've started to punish myself

Because he says no but I know I did something wrong

He says all the right things, but his actions don’t match

Sounds like something that belongs in a song - it's been too long

 

I'm so freaking bad at this

At this whole relationship dance

I started with a blank slate

So excited but I think I blew my chance

 

I do not believe in playing any relationship game

I've never had every bodily hair stand just by him saying my name

I do want to fully trust and believe I give him the same

I know I've totally ruined this already I am always the one to blame

I'm so lame

 

Over so many days, months, years

Hes been the only person who's caught my eye

He somehow gets me on a level I can't explain

I'm not perfect but for him I swear I try

I do feel truth in my intuition when I hear him say the love

love for me he has, I hope and pray that isn't a lie

I always thought I'd not enter into a relationship again

Or I wouldn't entertain the idea with men anymore as I am bi

 

Somehow, he burst right through

And stole my heart and soul

Brought back together from being torn apart

I now feel completely whole

 

 

I hope my intuition has been right about my new man

That I have been right since this all began

All that he gives is right and true

That he fully feels it when we tell each other "I love you"