The Thought of Bliss

Looking over the tracks

my mind wandered

to a place I think about often

almost too often

I imagine myself jumping 

and then nothing

my worries dissipate

my fears fall into a pile of ash

my loneliness fades away

I hear a whistle 

a rumbling 

reality slams me in the face

and I force myself to look

I see myself taking a step

walking to the edge

feeling bliss

I think about doing it

I think about ending it all

I back up against the wall

my back pressing into the tiles

as if to physically will myself not 

to launch onto the tracks

the tears start to spill

I take a deep breath

and walk onto the train