Well your voice came in easy
In that font of New Times Roman
But the words don't really matter
Your leaving has been woven
No matter weather
We aint together
Just one bird a feather
I still feel the sand beneath me
Now that shade comes a creeping
See the wind still goes around there
But my mood boards on a reaping
I see a crows nest
Better take my rest
My momma knows what's best
Well ive never seen an igloo
But ive made a lot of noises
I don't care about the big men
I wont listen to their voices
I can stand up
Hold out my cup
You know I am no pup
-
Author:
Jake (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: April 14th, 2023 01:18
- Category: Love
- Views: 6
Offline)
Comments2
Nice piece it moves. Points to a moment, and then declares capability.
Thanks alot!
Pet you request for suggestions :
After you write a piece , always plan to rewrite it using the content that you put ion paper as a guide. ie:don’t make statements ,, like “!I feel the sand beneath my feet “‘ nobody cares and it’s a nit an interesting statement as it doesn’t draw the reader in.
Instead , using similar content and change sentence structures avoiding standard subject:/!verb format So, that sentence may change to
Beneath me , coarse sand seems to alert , pronouncing, heightening my sense to account for the reduced visual , creeping shade darkening a path , gaining the sense to never Again talk about silly crows best nest for rest going nowhere waste of space lines .,,,
Alright well Im kind pist but yeah I completely agree with what you are saying. I think that i draw from alot of setting visuals but this is maybe a lot better of a way to be creative and pulling for a reader. How do you feel about the structure and lines? Maybe one thing at a time but still.
Also thanks
You got potential. Two things someone way smarter than me suggested to do always
1, rewrite rewrite rewrite and 2. Don’t fall in love w your own work.
yeah fair enough and no problem on the latter, this stuff is all crap anyway haha but you got to have a religion somewhere. Ill get to work thanks for the notes seriously. Let me know if something else comes to mind now and then.
Count on it. Ditto ??
Would be a pleasure.
I imagine you have lots of Maize and Blue in your wardrobe ?
interesting yes and no, blue and red.
To be able to comment and rate this poem, you must be registered. Register here or if you are already registered, login here.