Why don't I believe what I said?

Is it because I lied?

Am I trying to convince myself that

this ridiculous thing is true or 

is it actually true and I’m just

trying to convince myself it’s some ridiculous thing

When did this happen to me?

Or has it always been there and

I’ve just done such a 

good job of covering it up

or faking it or lying to myself or

everyone else

Or 

This could go on forever. This 

seemingly 

never ending cycle or spiral of

questions and stresses and

what-ifs and why

nots 

But how long will forever be?

Sometimes I forget forever can be 

however long or however short

I want it to be

So why don’t I believe what I said?

It could all be so simple to just

choose

to believe that I said the truth

What I see

What others of value see should

be all I need but the

chaos is calming and I like calming because

I am just way too tired to fight

forever 

So I settle in for the cycle

For the spiral for the 

chaos

That ensues and I’m

calm

and content but really

I’m in chaos

Craving everything I shouldn’t

in life and in love and knowing that I 

give in so much just makes me

crave more

of the chaos and the calm because

I know it and it

feels good and I am the one who should

make myself feel good. Right?

So why don’t I believe what I said?

Because the good is funny in the way it

comes about it

stops you in your tracks and

makes you stop the cycle so you can finally

focus on how do I 

get better

And when this happens

you see that

the chaos is just that.

chaos

and it is not calm and I am 

not content

but instead I am settling

for an existence I 

didn’t create myself

But I myself create

the ability to make beautiful this

existence 

An existence with 

more beauty

and less chaos.

calm 

content

and believing what I said