Forwards and backward, with each step we take
We get so much closer to the final gate
Struggling to keep our fears at bay
Marching boldly towards death every day
We paper-mache our perceptions in place
Pasting lies up over the face
With lightning rods lined up the spine
We push the blast up, revealing the divine
Forms bound by pins so tight
Leave them and repeat the plight
Unleash all paths down below
Unlock the dams to let the rivers flow
As pieces fall, crumble, and decay
The garden's slithering serpent comes to play
Gas explosions run through your core
As the serpent's teachings make you crave more
As the rivers converge and flow
Nausea threatens to overflow
Like a bird eating twice its weight
Compounding vices lock fate's gate
Will you make it past the nose
And not from inside like everyone knows
Mind fogged and mouth agape
Speaking will lead to a mistake
As lies pass down the throat
The burn leaves you wanting to gloat
Keep the mouth sealed up tight
For the next step, objectivity wins the fight
Intense fear makes the body rock
Run from them, hide under the dock
Harm is not the goal
Let the heat rain on your soul
The unknown realm, the echo in between
Where visitors from afar can glean
Experiencing dreams of destruction themes
It's the deaths inside that provide your seams
What's that sound?
A ding resounds
From Heaven on High
The end is nigh
A tornado will come to sweep you away
Fall to your knees and wait as prey
Think about the leaves and how they must fall
And our brother who died for us all
The eyes shine all bright
From a place that can't be right
Continuity caught up to the fight
Now what was that light?
Bliss places you above them all
Making you wish you'll never fall
But you will, so hope instead
That you land and not dead
Feeding your heart is what you need
Or desire will build a slave of greed
If villainy is not your theme
Objectivity must reign supreme
Journeying through life is just the start
Of a great unknown that transcends the heart
For as we shed this mortal coil
Our spirit remains, no longer toil
-
Author:
Audrey A. (
Offline) - Published: April 23rd, 2023 19:09
- Category: Spiritual
- Views: 14
Offline)
Comments2
Using regular sentence structure throughout the whole piece takes away from a creative or artistic phrase. Try phrases on ivvssdion and once in awhile put the verb first. The content id great but maybe think about a dimple style adjustment?
Let poets express themselves their way - valid to criticise message, not the way it was expressed unless completely incoherent, and even then better to let it pass you by.
Ok. I get your point. I got
Better when critique was offered and most accomplished poets would say the content is secondary to the way it is expressed. I just won’t do it on this site anymore but I’m certain all the things you said does more harm than hood and dies disservice to the art and the author.
In your judgement you got better. Who and what is an 'accomplished poet'?
If the content is secondary to the way it is expressed you may well end up with a load of waffle.
Blah blah. There is no absolute but there are trusted and accomplished talents that most would accept as legitimate and that’s who I sought out to learn from. What you say is like giving every kid a trophy. Sappy and counterproductive. And what I said about the piece was in the best spirit possible and it might do some hood to open up to ideas. Don’t take my word , what I said about sentence structure is not my ideas, it’s a culmination of recognized talents that all say that. Get the chip off your shoulder and then you begin to honor the art. No matter. I’m fine w you.
OK - I'm prepared to learn. Name those trusted and accomplished talents so that I too may acquire some skill.
You’re being sarcastic. . I don’t care to talk w you. I made a good faith attempt at a mostly accepted premise of constructive critique and from the very beginning you were defensive. So be it. I’m fine w you as I reject your philosophy. Good bye. Blocking you now.
Fine with me. Enjoy your life.
I realized I was rash to respond as if any type of boycott is an answer. I am , however , revisiting a topic we did not see eye to eye on. For brevity’s sake I’d like to be direct and not worry that the tone may then be sharp , with the hope I’m permitted.
The thing about verse and sentence structure is THE MOST IMPORTANT tenet of the art. None of this is me pompously knowing it all , in Ifact the little info I have I learned from the many experts in the field. in the field. An exact example follows :;
“ y. This book is written to help poets address the central concerns of their craft and art. Lively, inspiring, opinionated, and sometimes curmudgeonly,The Art of Poetry Writingcovers a broad range of topics, both technical and personal, that all poets need to consider: -Poetic devices and diction -Verse forms and free verse -Rhyme and metrics -Creative vision and revision -“
Over and over in all these foundational books they plead e the poet to not commit the one fundamental error that is the easiest to fix and therefore inexcusable not to remedy. Please forgive me for this and I swear it is a kind heart that prompt me and it is best intentions when I say that subject / verb complete sentence format is the greatest sin. It’s just something a poet HAS TO FIX and this syndrome is repeated over and over in your work. It’s not personal. It’s like a treasure map that leads to very beneficial results. Please don’t be mad , uncover these tips on your own and begin with the book quoted above. Hopeful for a fruitful dialogue to be born of this somewhat unusual moment. My best to you n
Thanks for that. I wonder if it felt like your control was taken away? Did you notice the commas were only super sparse as if they themselves are telling a piece of the story?
Did you snap at that person as if this was their work?
If my sentence structure is a great sin. It surely is the correct way. As this poem is a map to defeat sin.
Assuming you are talking to Bobby A, it is over to you, Audrey O. I'm out of here for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that BO blocked me.
I admitted to you that I jumped to a conclusion too quickly. The block lasted about seven minutes and then I realized I was being overly sensitive.
I wish my BO would block me! Lol
I thank you both for your comments. I enjoyed the tiff to read in the morning. It made me day.
That's the sport!😂
Note the typo above: 'sport' should read 'spirit', (only just noticed) but then again perhaps....
You want me to brainwash people with gene coding changes?
Thanks, by the way, but did you go deep to really see wtf you are doing?
firstly, please don't be discouraged
by anyone's comment on your work
your Art, is yours!
secondly, your message n theme's
purposed choice
to deliver these meaningfully questing words
in an accessible wording and format
is laudable and worthy of encouragement
thank you for sharing, dear poet
(where does the subjective
trespass, on the values of abstract?
a collectivist audience, ideal
of artistry, is so hard to define
and what is poetic merit?
where can you weigh it, outside
of an editor's, subjective mindset
and yet
if we write, like we speak
sentence, our imagery
in that everyday verbiage
ignoring, that aspect of Poesy
tradition to imbue artistic
wordplay, in our writing
are we, short selling our capacity
to elevate our poetic, intent?
how to contemplate
a write, encouraging a mindset
that empowers, legacy
as conduit to our continued, worth
and our artistry's creative expression
yet limited
in its poetic ambition;
so yes, dear poet
there is more to existence
than we can fathom and perceive
I too believe that
just like, there is more to this
poetry thing, we try to do
than merely writing out
our thoughts, in an accessible format)
'but what do I know?
all I can ascertain, is that
I thoroughly
enjoyed reading your work'
Thank you. I find some poetic styles to seem disjointed and confusing. I can get totally lost on how pretty a word is and never really grasp the content. I want to avoid that as the message is already confusing. What's the point of making it so poetic, if it won't do it justice.
As above - Responses to BO and so on and on...Well said , Audrey.
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