I remember the very first time, I gave to you this heart of mine...
Could this be love that I feel, this love of mine has got to be real..
Closer to your heart, yet so far away...as the night turns into day..
In my heart I still believe, your love it means so much to me....
Looking for something I could not find, that lonely road I left behind...
Now yesterday is gone...together we keep holding on..
All my love I give to you,..together we've got nothing to lose...
And I will follow down that road....that leads me to your heart and soul..
All these days have passed me by, without you by my side.
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Author:
vhawlalawream (
Offline) - Published: April 24th, 2023 17:41
- Category: Love
- Views: 6
Offline)
Comments1
This needs a rewrite. Solid sentiment but it seems that you wrote down sentences without really applying an artistic technique. Change some of the structure. Instead of just saying what had happened , invest some effort to draw the reader in by explaining how it makes you feel.
So, instead of just writing
All these days have passed me by, without you by my side.
Maybe ( your own words and feeling will be better than mine) say
Enduring days, a certain permanent imprint , a deeply inked Caligraphy left evidence on my body and soul , displayed to view while it begs a relief , s loneliness ended , quenched with our shared desires.
It’s over written purposely to spark your interest in adjusting approach. Please know I offer these words w inert intent and w respect for love of the art.
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