My Sad Reality

It's incredible how much damage a person can do

Especially the one who seemed to care the most

The only person you could trust 

But i didn't think i was being manipulated

I was such a strong person

I wouldn't let anyone manipulate me 

But funny how when i realized that you did

I was so devastated

And i don't think that that's the correct word to describe what i felt

But you didn't care 

You went on for years

You told me that having sex with you was a form of true love

But i didn't think things through

And you knew that i wouldn't cus i was 7 

You didn't give a damn about the damage you would do

And every opportunity… you would lay me in bed 

You would do your thing

And i couldn't complain

You would do it every day for 15 min or an 1 hour or more 

And i was tired, exhausted

I couldn't keep up to your expectations

Or at least that's what I thought

I now realize that i actually liked those moments 

All the times you touched me i felt something

It was something like never before

But that was just my body

My mind was filled with smoke

And i hate that i felt like that 

And i hate you for making me like that

And you continued

Even when you got sick you continued

Even when you were in the frickin hospital you did it to me

It wasn't until you had a fucking tube in your throat to breathe that you couldn't do anything

But even then i could see your eyes staring vigorously at me

I knew that look of pleasure

…

And then you died

And i think that is what made me go from being mad to enraged

Because you didn't have to pay the price

Mostly because i never had the courage to say anything

And because most of all… i cried

I cried the day you died

I cried when I was at your funeral

And a couple of months after i still cried at night

Sobbing into my pillow

And to think that i was missing the one person who destroyed my soul

That was and is enraging

That was wrong

But 5 years of your manipulation was still lingering

But at some point, my mind started to clear

I started to understand why i felt certain ways

Why i cared or thought that i cared in the first place

And i realized that you were the reason of all my problem

You were the reason i made terrible mistakes

You were the reason i am sad

Depressed 

Anxious 

Enraged 

You are the reason i feel all the bad things any human being can feel

But I'm still quiet 

I havent learned my lesson

I keep things to myself

I never express what i feel to anyone

But maybe that's because i learned to never trust anyone anymore 

And i keep everything inside locked up in a vault of Steel 

And at some point, i feel like i can't handle it anymore 

I feel like I'm going to explode 

But then i hold myself together

I paste a smile on my face

I make a show of being okay

Of being happier than ever

But this ain't true

That's why when people ask me how i feel i say I'm good

But no one could ever guess that i was abused

Or that i hurt myself

Or that i cry myself to sleep

That is if i can sleep

Or that if i cry i hurt myself because i can't show weakness even though no one's around

But you did that to me

You made me hurt and agonize

And maybe time will tell

If i should let life's shit make me let go

Or if i should keep on with life

But i don't know

Because i can't keep going anymore

And I'm sorry if this made you cry

Or if this is too long 

But this is my reality

This is my life