Enough

Through out my life I haven't been enough.

It's a reoccuring theme of my life.

The signs are all around me and they've been there all along. Telling me that no matter what I'll never be enough.
I write this for myself and to those who always felt I wasn't enough.

 

Dear mother we haven't had the best mother and son bond . You put the vices before me as a child because you didn't love me enough.
You wouldn't do better because you didn't think I was enough for you change.
You only had enough of my plea for you to change.
As a son I don't know what more I could've done but obviously I wasn't good enough.

 

Dear sister these last few years we drifted apart.  When it came time for you to step up you left all the responsiblilty on your little brother.
And what thanks did I get for being the one every counts on when we should have been a team? I got treated like all of what I done was insignificant.
Guess your love for your baby brother is miniscule. Guess I wasn't enough.

 

Oh dad how I miss you and wish that you were still here. I'll tell you I understand you better now and I don't see how you did it all. I'll tell you I'm sorry. I know you loved and was proud of me but I know that there were times when you wish I was better. You never said it but a son knows. So dad I'm sorry I have failed you and I'm sorry as your son that I wasn't enough.

 

To my friends I don't know really what to  say.

Times I feel like I don't really have any friends.

I get that times change and people drift apart.

Guess I just didn't make the cut.
For you I probably wasn't enough.

 

To past loves this is another group I don't know what to say to.

I think about all of you and in one point you were enough for me.

But I'm sure you're not thinking of me.
And I sure you left me because you felt that my love just wasn't enough.

 

Dear entire family I always felt like the odd one out. An alternate black sheep.

I never truly felt equal, valued or respected as a whole.

I remember the looks and sly comments from an early age.

In your mind, heart and eyes I was never going to be enough.

 

Dear society I never fitted in.

Everybody wants to belong.

 

Everybody wants to be enough.

 

But in society eyes I'll never be enough.

 

Oh these words they Hit Like Thunder. Things would better if they were Fair. I struggled going up and down searching for my Worth. Feeling like a Ghost everywhere I go. Just need One Sign to show me where to go. Just Tell Me If I am Disconnected. I'll try to be Neutral. I've tried letting go To Be Free. But these Demons keep Waking Up Inside me. Oh this pain is the Cost of Love.

 

And it's all sending me to an Early Grave.

Everyday Feels like I am surrounded by Darkness.

I don't know if this is the last thing I'll ever write here.

But for now I need a break.
Need to take a break before I
totally get broken. (Wait I already am.)

 

All of my W's have L's attached to  them. I just can't have a win without a loss included. Life's told and showed me once and then told and showed me again. No matter whats tried no matter how hard, no matter how long I'll never be enough.
Not strong enough for you, not enough for me, not enough for any one or anything. My love is not enough, Not good enough, Not man enough, not Enough.