Change

I’ve changed

Not in a good way

But in a really horrible way

I became toxic

I became a player

I became someone who does not care in the least bit about others

I became someone that gets bullied

I became someone that no one respects

I became someone who no one actually likes

And if they do like me, it’s because they’re good people and see the best in others

But that does not last long

Soon they discover the real me and see how fucked up I really am

I’m the most disgusting, selfish, toxic person you’ll ever meet

I feel like I’m doing this for attention of others again

Hell, I actually know I am

I want to be loved

I want to be in a relationship

But I can’t

Because once someone puts a step closer to me

I immediately push them away

It’s happened to like four guys these last couple months

For fucks sake I made out with five people during one evening

And I think I really did hurt one of them

He was not a good friend but also not a stranger

And I hate it that I don’t know what he is thinking

He has to tell me what the fuck happened that night because I don’t really remember anymore

Why can’t people just fucking communicate